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So, a quick rummage around the tapes and stuff after my unwatched
stack runs out, and the Royal Mail ups the crapness level, turns
up a tape with a bunch of Big Japan stuff from 1999. Hey, Big Japan
+ 1999 = Tomoaki Honma! And Big Japan +1999 does not = CZW, Mad
Man Pondo OR overlong King of the Deathmatch tournaments. This might
not suck! And on that note of positivity, let’s get moving
eh?
The true extent of Honma’s blade related lunacy exposes itself
in full here. 30 seconds into the match where the most hardcore
move executed is a running forearm smash, and a lockup causes one
of the nicks on Honma’s forehead to let loose with the juice
(God that just sounds horrible, I apologise). After that minor problem,
this becomes all about the DISCIPLINE~, as Honma gives Fujita a
bit of time on offence, before cutting off a hurricanrana attempt
with a funky crab hold where the guy gets held at the knees. Another
conventional crab hold gets the submission win. Post match and Fujita
starts blubbing and bowing, whilst Ryuji Yamakawa presents Fujita
with the BJW jacket that says, “You are one of us now. Your
barbed wire board death match initiation will take place next time
we are at the Korakuen.” To which Fujita said “FUCK
THAT” and hooked it soon after.
RANDOM JOSHI TAG ON INDY CARD ALERT!!!!!!
You know the rules here. Undercard, clipped like almighty fuck,
featuring at least one woman you may have heard of through looking
at JWP/NEO/ARSION results on some webpage, and of the other three,
it is decreed by law that ONE must come from Mexico. Rule one means
the match means little, rule two means we see fuck all of it, rule
three doesn’t come into affect for me here, and rule four
sees Malsera lose to Ichiki via double footstomp. Andromeda didn’t
get a tag in either. There could be some sub-paragraph I haven’t
read relating to masked wrestlers you’ve never seen before
in these matches.
Oh God. Some wrestler somewhere in this wide world has one massive,
bear-sized skeleton in their closet. It could have been Buddy Landell
after he didn’t receive the phone call from Vince or Eric.
Whoever you are, don’t be ashamed about it, come out and talk
to the world. Doing a ropewalk in a massive bear-suit in a Japanese
summer is actually fairly impressive in my book. Was it the thin
air that caused you to stumble? We must be told!
I’m sure the question “Your thoughts on the Rad Black
Bear?” will form the part of a future RF Shoot after this
appeal. Though I think there’s more chance of RF shagging
a woman he didn’t pay for than that for some reason. Some
secrets are best kept.
Kamikaze won by the way…
RANDOM MASKED GUYS ON INDY CARD ALERT!!!!!!
This one is mighty clipped as well. I eventually work out who Fantastik
is via the name being on the guy in red’s tights. Beluro wears
an outfit that looks like that horrific picture I saw of a Harlequin
Foetus (Google image search if you have my levels of morbid curiosity).
They break out a bit of tha lucha, only at a slower pace than anyone
who only watches EMLL would be accustomed to, clips ahoy, and Fantastik
wins via something or other. The television had a fair idea that
this show was all about one match and one match only didn’t
they?
For the benefit of those with black or white sets, Winger is in
blue, Chabinger red. Kasai is two years from the Crazy Monkey insanity
that made him a net darling, and Matsuzaki has the fat, and World
Japan participation that means he is the new Japanese indy sleaze
darling of choice.
More clips as the Big Japan TV crew attempt to break a record for
filling up the cutting room floor. Kasai shows he is on the way
towards being the resident hardcore nutcase by taking a nasty back
snapping bump on a ChaWinger double team, with Kasai hung across
the ropes and snapped forward on impact. The two masked guys beat
the snot out of the young upstart for a bit, then Winger dragon
suplexes him for an easy win. This show may be the first in history
where the producers mailed it in more than the wrestlers.
All that time doing jobs on WCW television in 1991 has rubbed off
on Samples here, as he comes down to brawl with WX wearing a shirt,
tie, braces and trousers. The York Foundation lives people! All
that was needed was an attractive woman dressed up ugly to tap on
a TYCO keyboard at ringside while Mike did his thing.
For the record, the tape I have this show on is chronologically
fucked, so I watched a Light Bulb Board match involving these two
guys before this one, even though in reality this one happened first.
The tubes match sucked. This didn’t suck as much. Samples
and WX brawled through the hall, taking out a merchandise stand
selling the same shirt design in as many colours as it could possibly
muster, and going through the crowd so we could see, for the first
and only time ever, a fan wearing a Perugia shirt that doesn’t
come from that area of Italy (footy dorks, Hidetoshi Nakata was
playing for them at the time). In the middle of the brawling, Samples
pulls off a juice job that sends blood flying all over the place.
White shirts + blade-jobs = lovely and gory visuals. A decent enough
brawl was ended in a no-contest, as Samples went postal and started
knocking shit out of any Japanese guy that moved. WX swore revenge
and stuff, which unfortunately led to that abortion I watched earlier.
Dory (Shinya Kojika) and Terry (MEN’S Teioh) coming out to
the Funk brothers AJPW music rules all. Unfortunately, we still
have the rest of the match to go. Clippage means the reason Kobayashi
is pissing blood has been consigned to that full-up floor (though
I reckon he bladed after a crappy Kojika impersonation Baba chop
for some reason, in which case thank fuck it got cut). Dory and
Teioh control Kobayashi with some of the most mind-numbingly BORING
sequences of wrestling I have ever had the misfortune of watching.
These two pissing about the way they were was fucking torturous.
Teioh goes for a spinning toehold – natch – which prompts
Abby to come in and give MEN’S the forking of a lifetime (come
on, you had to see that pun coming). Abby pokes Teioh in the chest
with a fork, MEN’S screams like he’s been slashed from
top to bottom with a katana, and furiously blades his chest to prove
it. This goes on for a bit. Then at some point thereafter, one of
the Funk impersonators slaps a spinning toehold on Kobayashi, for
the submission, then they brawl some more while Abby shouts revenge.
This match absolutely sucked rancid, cheese-riddled cock. Over-clip
the other matches, under-clip this one. Fuck you Big Japan TV producers.
All is not lost however, as the screen displays the words “REMEMBER
THE DATE 10.31.98”. Highlights of Honma vs Shadow WX are shown.
Honma went absolutely fucking ballistic with the razors here. Puddles
on the floor, complete crimson mask, THEN he allows WX to powerbomb
him off the fucking Teisen Hall balcony onto, and possibly through
(Japanese tables are tough to work out at times) two tables. It
is sold as death, as the picture freezes, with frantic cries of
“HONMAAAA!” going up as the picture fades out…
Here goes. Honma charges out wearing a decidedly homosexual yellow
bandana. Yamakawa comes out to the overblown 80’s entrance
music and a look that tells the world that no matter where you go
in the world, there’s an Elvis impersonator around the next
corner. The two face off, surrounded by barbed wire and light tube
boards on the corners of the ring, and on one side of the ring mats,
a decidedly peachy looking bed of nails. From the outset both guys
look to do some of the pro-wrestling malarkey, with the lock-ups,
reversals, and stuff that doesn’t involve blades and foreheads.
Yamakawa baseball slides around a board to avoid going into it,
Honma does a full flip on the way to flying into one. That is why
Big Japan was good then, but was sucky the last time I saw it. That
horrible deathmatch that saw an American guy in there (Mark Manson?)
completely pussify the art of bumping a barbed wire board. It is
little exaggeration to say I could have done a better job.
Yamakawa takes control, Honma blades (right on camera as well),
and puddles of red form on the floor as he once again hits that
vein near the front of his head, and just under the skin, that causes
him to completely spew blood when he wants to. Yamakawa Tiger Driver
onto a stack of chairs only gets 2, then the switch goes off in
Yamakawa’s head. Realising that that massive bloody bed of
nails stuck by the apron isn’t there for ornamental purposes,
Yamakawa goes straight for it, thinking, “if I turn Honma
here into a pin-cushion, I win! Hey, serves the daft bastard fucking
right for coming in here dressed like a yellow Nobuhiko Takada!
I’ll give you UWF son!”
Yamakawa props Honma on the apron, hoping a few rope running sliding
kicks will send him nailwards. Unfortunately, he doesn’t consider
Honma might just get up,and a springboard off the ropes and onto
Yamakawa turns things around. Honma gets a few light tube shots
in on Ryuji Basham (look at his attire in this match and you’ll
see what I mean), causing Yamakawa to bleed big time from the upper
neck/back.
After the obligatory big-spot (Honma with a tombstone piledriver
of the apron through a light tube board), the match revolves back
to the bed of nails – in that whoever lands on them first
is gonna lose. Yamakawa with more sliding kicks, Honma’s grip
getting looser, looser…
Erm, OK. Honma wouldn’t have exactly raised “holy shit”
chants with that fall, but those were some long, sharp bastard nails,
as illustrated by Honma’s screaming and hollering that sounded
too fucking realistic to be worked, even if Honma’s selling
expression always screams “THAT CUNT KOJIKA TOLD ME THIS WOULD
BE A GOOD FUCKING IDEA, AND IT WOULDN’T FUCKING HURT THAT
MUCH!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAARRGHGHHHHHHH!!!!!!” Perhaps the most
quietly great thing about this part is that as soon as Yamakawa
hears Honma’s pain, he momentarily turns off from the brutality
he has been inflicting on his foe, to get him off the nails. Yamakawa
realising that while he was got Honma this time, it could well have
been him that landed on those bastard nails (isn’t it great
that the goings on in wrestling matches can be so open to interpretation,
and there are NO SET RULES as to how you should interpret it? Eh?).
However, his momentary humanity is only that, he’s got a match
to win, a title to defend, and a stitch doctor to see. Two sit-out
Tiger Drivers on shards of broken glass and shit does Honma in for
good, as he will have to fight another day. Yamakawa screams something
in Japanese, as the crowd either shout “FIVE-STAR MATCH!!!!”
or “You just bled on a Yakuza big-wig and he mad!!!”
Judging by the speed of Yamakawa’s promo and exit, I’m
guessing (and hoping) it was the latter.
There is no doubt that this was the best death match of its time
in terms of technical skill. However, something is slightly missing
for me. The last gore match I did for RIM was Cactus vs Funk from
Duel of the Wilds for Issue
6, and I loved it, as it had a pure fucking hatred (worked as
least) between the two that made you see why they wanted to beat
almighty shit out of each other. From my memory, Megumi Kudo vs
Combat Toyoda from FMW in 1996 had the same. Honma vs Yamakawa,
for some reason didn’t have it. No doubt it was a hell of
a contest, and the best on this tape (any fucking wonder with the
cuttings and clippings?), but for me at least, it lacked that little
extra oomph that makes a viewer realise that there is a damn good
reason, other than a title belt, why these two blokes are pegging
each other with bulbs, barbed wire and chairs.
In any case, sometime in the distant future (OK, later this spring),
I’ll dig out the tape of the rematch these two had in January
2000. Look out for it and all between the regular profanity riddled
prose I send here.
OK. I bought it because it had a junior tournament on it. I also
bought it out of sheer bloody curiosity, having never seen Sean
Waltman in Japan before. Also because I loved the Ultimo vs Jericho
match from WAR that I had seen. Plus, I needed something to order
along with Super J 1995. Excuses, what excuses? This tape starts
with the first two rounds of the Junior Title tournament squashed
together, so clippage is your partner for a while here.
Yasu brings the high flying, Gedo breaks out the suplex-based hurting
stuff, including one nasty backdrop. Yasu looks a bit awkward here,
a triangle dropkick saw him jump off the ropes at almost a 45 degree
angle due to his balance being all over the shop. Gedo clamps on
a WAR Special between clips, Yuji gives it up after a struggle.
Not a bad start.
This on the other hand…
A major styles clash going on here, and neither man knew exactly
what the fuck they should be doing with each other. Kid used all
the flash karate that looked impressive in the WWF in 1995, Casas
replies with straight chops that shout “what the FUCK are
you doing, dumbass?” One of Kid’s kicks might have connected
as well…Kid breaks out a Northern Lights Suplex somewhere
amongst the muddle that went before it to pick up the win.
This starts with Orihara getting the snot beat out of him by a guy
who might well be Jado. Orihara took a ‘rana of the top, and
rather than go through a table back first, went into one face first.
About as pleasant as piles I’d imagine. Jericho runs in to
take advantage, but manages to look like absolute crap in the process.
Orihara hurt on the outside, Jericho on top waiting…DON’T
WAIT FOR HIM TO TAKE HIS FUCKING JACKET OFF!!!!!!! Not great this,
as the two looked pretty hesitant throughout. Jericho won easily
as Orihara played up being hurt in the skirmish before his match
even started.
Ultimate is Brett Como, and he wears the Ultimo garb, only in black
(to the kids today, that’s Darkness Dragon/K-ness, but it
ain’t Como under the garb). I’ve read nothing but praise
for Como, but didn’t see much of it here. I’m guessing
his ability to hit an SSP from the top rope to the outside in 1995
might have had something to do with it. Ultimo won after a horrible
German into a leg-clutch bridge. Disappointing.
Holy you-know-what! This was a hell of a lot better than I ever
thought it would be. Kid looked more at home here than he did against
Casas earlier, and it showed in a much better performance. Gedo
looked as good as he did against Yasuroaka, and had also changed
his outfit to one with a Japanese flag on the back. Patriotism and
all that. Kid went for the Northern Lights but it only got 2 this
time. Gedo got the popular win with a German suplex. Kid redeemed
himself somewhat here, Gedo continued to look decent, even if he
does appear to have been the bastard responsible for the Japanese
obsession with altering your hair colour.
Here were two guys who needed to have an improved 2nd round. And
they did as well. This was before the famous match from July 1995,
and it acts as a hell of a taster for it, as both guys are on the
ball when it comes to working with each other, even with a bit of
sloppiness at points from Jericho during the more Mexican-themed
stuff. That said, this has one major fucking great big king-sized
problem.
Jericho slaps on a figure-four. Said move is kept on for a great
period of time. People are waiting for Dragon to tap as he looks
in agony, and it builds up all lovely to the eventual rope escape
from Ultimo. Then Ultimo gets up…and we go almost directly
into the fast-paced loadsa-two-counts, and the whole premise of
Ultimo having been slowed down by his knee getting hurt for an extended
period of time goes flying out the window. If Low-Ki, Teddy Hart
or any number of guys did it now, there would be the equivalent
of an internet crucifixion going on about now. Seems having a high
status amongst the net fans absolves you of the more questionable
stuff you do. In and out of the ring as well (not that I’m
suggesting Ultimo is a tequila and cocaine hoover when he takes
the mask off, would be cool if he was though). The fast pace at
the end was pretty damn good, and the win came for Jericho in an
upset when he rolled through a top-rope ‘rana to pin Ultimo.
If this match aired with the figure-four spot edited out, it would
be all kinds of awesome fun. As it is though, kinda infuriating,
and I’m no body-part selling note taker either. Sometimes
stuff is way too obvious to be ignored or brushed aside.
Well, the tournament has a final now in Jericho vs Gedo, so the
tape cuts to some of the undercard. This could be dangerous, judging
by this listing I got in front of me.
I only recognise Hirai initially here, due to his All Japan exploits
at the moment. Missing Link I’ve heard of through Mid-South,
dunno if it’s the same one though (I doubt it). And hey, we
also have NJPW junior/Interplanetary wrestling champion/purse thief/gay
porn star Ryuma Go in the mix as well! This could be, er, interesting.
And fuck me it is the original Link! He has some red ooze amidst
his facepaint, and when he attacks the arm of Hirai, said goo lands
on Hirai’s upper arm, to make look like he’s been mutilated
or something. Except, said ‘blood’ washes off very quickly.
Ah well. Kurisu brings the comedy, and watching him ropewalk into
a handshake is kinda funny (eat that ROH fans!!!!!!!!). Hirai brings
the best work of the six here, Link isn’t very good as there
is no Bill Watts booking the match, and Go does the NJ junior stuff
from the 1980’s that looks as sloppy as fuck no matter how
well it was executed. Not too good, Kurisu of all people gets the
win over Itakura after he goes for an octopus hold, fucking falls
over, and has to improvise with a submission of some description.
Fucking hell’s bells! Arashi is under a mask here, and starts
of with loads of sumo slaps (SUMO POWER~~~) and charges. Just as
I’m thinking it’s gonna be a nasty squash, Jado starts
busting out a ton of moves on fat boy. Not just junior moves either.
Arashi bumps big for the midget, allowing himself to be suplexed
off the apron to the floor, eats a rana from the top, and a bunch
of things that make me go “fuckin’ ‘ell….”.
Sumo strength prevails in the end however, Arashi gets the win,
but it isn’t as straightforward as I thought it was going
to be when it started, instead it developed into quite the fun little
match.
Death Mask is actually Bradshaw. I know this because the man billed
as Death Mask isn’t actually wearing a mask, opting for hair
that is beyond long. A load of lumbering shite here unfortunately.
Mask clubbers a bit, does some half-assed stuff with a bullrope,
then suddenly gets pinned by a Kitahara clutch hold (Turmeric Clutch
now). Let’s move on.
Yes, let’s move to the final of this International Junior
Tournament deal. Jericho slaps Gedo, Gedo returns the slaps, and
it’s fucking on! This would be like the Jericho/Ultimo semi,
except Gedo isn’t as fast as Ultimo, and not nearly as graceful,
and Jericho has regular erratic moments. That said, despite that,
it was still a nice bit of fun. The long submission that builds
up but leads to jack in the long run happens as well, but it ain’t
nearly as infuriating as last time around, as Gedo clamps the WAR
Special on this time, Jericho fights for the ropes like a motherfucker,
and doesn’t blatantly forget it like Ultimo did. We go into
the frantic closing straight with the rapid pinfall sequences that
were more than likely reason people got hold of WAR tapes back in
the day, and which, in my view, are half the reason that Chris Jericho
is where he is now. Gedo gets the win when Jericho attempts a powerbomb
from the top, and Gedo flips through into a rana (nearly falling
flat on his mush in the process).
A decent final, and probably the strongest series of matches I’ve
ever seen Gedo take part in. I try to watch the presentation ceremony,
but they are playing a GODAWFUL version of Sharp Dressed Man through
the high-note end of a cheap Bontempi organ, so I have to fast-forward.
Hope you understand and everything. It’s ZZ Top or nothing
as far as I’m concerned.
Choshu looks like a larger version of Wee Man in my view. You know,
his body would be normal if he were about a foot taller. Hamaguchi
looks like a loon with a stupid haircut, but he is excused as he
has trained (or started the training of) a series of wrestlers that
are great today (Ohtani, SUWA, A.T, Kojima etc etc). Heisei Ishingun
versus Showa Ishingun then, and with Choshu being a grumpy little
fuck who enjoys being so, Showa have the advantage. Goto looks weird
bald, as opposed to the blonde Des Lynam look I’ve normally
seen from him. Choshu slaps Ohara around, Hamaguchi runs and elbowdrops
him. Choshu does some cursory selling at some point, then they make
a bitch out of Ohara again, Riki makes a complete plonker out of
him with the follow-me-out-then-in leading to a lariat. Spike piledriver
from old Ishingun on Ohara, then a Hamaguchi Samoan drop wrap up
an easy win. Fun for a bit, even though it was a typical Choshu
squah on Ohara.
Yoko makes a cutthroat gesture at Tenryu before the bell, Tenryu
just looks at him, saying “bring it on motherfucker! I’m
fucking TENRYU!!” Just to prove he’s got balls, Tenryu
tries to slam the fat fucker. Twice, and gets slammed himself in
the process. Twice. The look on his face after that says “Shit,
he doesn’t stuff polystyrene down his trousers for affect.
Think man, think!” He does, and chops and an enzui knock lardarse
floorwards.
This only serves to wake ‘zuna up, as he gets back in the
ring (with assistance from a chair), and goes to work on Tenryu,
busting him up with legdrops and biting. Yoko slaps on some nerve
hold of doom as he takes a rest with Tenryu beaten up. At some point,
a random Japanese guy comes in and whacks Tenryu with a stun gun
of some description. With Tenryu out, Yoko turns around and twats
the guy responsible. “I’m 500lbs, I do not you with
your stupid poxy gun to help me. FUCK OFF!” (for the benefits
of kayfabe, he didn’t actually say that.). This gave Tenryu
recovery time, and he used it well. Eventually, he was able to blast
off a lariat to get the win. Well, it was a spectacle at least
Tenryu is such a fucking man, he doesn’t even bother to wipe
the blood off his face, instead opting to sit down and watch the
main, as he doesn’t appear to like Fuyuki or Chono at all.
The ring announcer calls Fuyuki “MACHO BODY” and I crack
up, even though I had half an idea he would.
I chuckled a bit at Fuyuki’s antics for a bit then, but that
was only for about 5 minutes. Chono is in the opening phases of
his ‘turn’ to what he is now (as in, all black garb
and stuff), and as a result doesn’t want to co-operate with
anyone in particular, ESPECIALLY a fat buffoon like Hiromichi Fuyuki.
Chono flips at Koshinaka and drags him outside to beat shit out
of him, and when dragging him back, Jado (he and Gedo are with Fuyuki)
grabs onto the back of Kosh, and all we needed was Chono to clip
the midget one as well for a complete tilde effect. A bit of work
is done on Kimura’s knees, with Chono randomly belting him
with Yakuza kicks and such (important later, but at this point,
not much seems so), then Chono starts headbutting Kosh and biting,
opening up a cut. Fuyuki (who is very much being carried by Chono
here) comes in and does an Ali shuffle (a lot funnier than it sounds
on paper) with punches. Chono flips again and starts hammering at
Koshinaka’s head. Then the rest of Heisei Ishingun (Goto and
Ohara) start brawling with Gedo and Jado as Chono batters Kosh around.
Once again, Ohara is made a bitch out of.
A few red mists from Chono, and comedy moments from Fuyuki aside,
this match is as dull as it sounds, and a complete bummer of a main
event. 20 long minutes go by before Fuyuki catches Kimura with some
leglock variation I don’t know the name of to get a submission
win, and IMMEDIATELY Tenryu, who we haven’t seen for the last
20 minutes (did he fall asleep? Wouldn’t blame him) dashes
in and knocks all 4 of them around.
“I’m fucking TENRYU! (chop) This is my fucking show
(chop), and you deliver a snoozeworthy wankfest like THIS???????
(chop, punch, punch, punch)”
However, Fuyuki and Chono take over on Tenryu, who is already beaten
up after the match against Yokozuna. This prompts Choshu back, who
goes for his larger model, Fuyuki, who is posing on an announce
table. Riki ain’t gonna stand for that shit people! Fuyuki
finds that out after Choshu drags him backstage and throws him through
a dressing room door. Chono comes back in and kicks shit out of
Tenryu while Riki is elsewhere. Good God, seems like every fucker
is losing the rag tonight! Tenryu says something after Choshu eventually
gets back and kicks a ref in temper, and we have end of show. Not
a great main at all, and I am fucking amazed I managed to write
three-quarters of a page about it.
Not too bad a show in spite of a few poor moments, and heavy clipping
not helping parts of the Junior Tournament at all. Who knows, maybe
I will actually bother to buy some other random WAR show when the
whim takes me? C’mon, you can’t say no to Tenryu can
ya?
|
We open the show with a skit~ in William Regal’s office in
London. Oh yeah, he’s doing random stuff that makes him look
like a stereotypical British person so they can keep up the angle
when they sell this over in the States as a ‘Exclusive foreign
pay-per-view event, NEVER BEFORE SEEN!’ Vince McMahon comes
in, and gets all annoyed about the fact that Linda McMahon has nicer
boobs than him (now there’s a chilling thought). He starts
talking about the nights card (which looks absolute bollocks by
the way) and then badmouths Linda once he gets told that the whole
thing has changed. Suddenly, because they’re doing the Linda/Vince
tension storyline, Linda appears, and I wonder whether this isn’t
actually taped in the US because why would they send over two members
of the McMahon family when Gerry Brisco will sit at the gorilla
position?
The scene opens on a stage, especially built to look like the ‘office’
that they use on the road for William Regal. There is one difference
though, and that is that miraculously they’ve managed to put
the Union Jack up the right way. Behind the set, out of camera shot,
the WWF production crew are creating a special tape for Pat Patterson,
filled with Rick Rude matches and Ultimate Warrior interviews. Linda
McMahon comes on set, and suddenly Vince turns around.
Hello…Vince.
Linda…you’re looking
particularly beautiful tonight.
Don’t. try.
to. woo. me. you. gassed. up. sex. machine.
Well, they do call me the genetic
jackhammer for a reason.
Yeah, because you bloody
told the writers to, you bloody fart poo codswallop tripe slapper.
Vince smiles as Regal plays his role as the Englishman to perfection.
Meanwhile, Linda is starting to seize up because, after all, she
is a robot. Sparks appear out of her ears as her eyes twich.
The fans in
Britain…deserve…only the best card. I made a few amendments
to your…
There is an audible giggle coming from the filming crew at the British
PPV’s have to be good remark, while Linda has frozen due to
an excess stress on her RAM. Vince kisses her and suddenly Linda
reboots, before walking out of the office ‘door’, exposing
the place where Sean Mooney used to host all those Coliseum Video
exclusives.
Oh look, the segments over. That whole theatrical performance was
not far from the truth as Linda really did shine in her role as
confused non-actress #79. GIVE THAT WOMAN AN OSCAR! Okay, well…an
Emmy. No? A Tony? Bafta? Daily Star Top Totty award? That’s
the one. We go to Michael ‘it’s still 2001, so I suck’
Cole and Paul Heyman, neither of whom seem overly excited to be
here tonight. Perhaps because they know we’ve got two-and-a-bit
hours of wrestling so poor that it’s only beaten out by the
Great American Bash 1991 for the worst card held ever.
Now I remember why I hate British shows – you have the cheap
imitation safety barriers (normal steel ones with material wrapped
over them, and airhorns. Guerrero busts out the dance moves and
I MARK~ until Jerry Lawler Jr. rolls him up for a near fall. Hey,
I’ve got an idea, let me try and draw parallels between that
Memphis segment Christopher did a month or so ago and this match.
Sexay dances like a MONKEY and hits a superkick with all the skill
of a retarded mongoose. Second blown spot``` of the night is a fluffed
up powerbomb. Sexay misses his uber-gh3y legdrop with the stupid
googles thing, and Guerrero goes for the frogsplash. The crowd says
Eddie sucks and I shout at the TV that they can’t say that
to a future WWE Champion and all-around wrestling GOD. Guerrero
gets caught and does the Flair slam of the top rope spot, before
ducking one of Grandmaster’s moves and using the worst magistral
cradle EVER with a lame attempt at putting his feet on the ropes.
The referee notices Guerrero’s squirming and thinks about
stopping the count so he can get it right, but then doesn’t,
and manages to pin Sexay, getting his feet on the middle rope after
the three. I blame it completely on El Hijo Del Lawler, who also
managed to have three brothers, one of whom $hills tickets on Memphis
TV worse than Brian Teigland. Wrestling is real in Memphis in the
70’s and 80’s…okay, and the 90’s because
you had the Rock N Rolls before they went completely OAP and also
had Regal working with AmDrag several times on MCW TV, but in the
00’s, it blows. There are wrestlecrap gimmicks like the Lifeguards,
Humungous III and awful angles like Brian Christopher in a ‘jungle’
(which, by the way, did NOT look like Christopher poncing around
in front of a green-screen with a toy gun – by the way, I
am NOT 14 years old, do NOT like all kinds of music and do NOT need
a shave), which got foiled by a rather clever? (either that or he’s
like Ed Leslie and has too much time on his hands, so he leaves
coke on a table where he works) fan who shouted out ‘You at
da zoo nigga!’. YEEEAAAHH…Check out the jive talk. Slick
was SO the third coolest manager of the 80’s, behind Bobby
Heenan and Jim Cornette and in front of JJ Dillon. I have DÉJÀ
VU~~~!1one. I swear I have typed that before…HOLY FUCK! I
did! Check it out BELOW, in the WWE MSG house show thing. Hah! I
have OUTWITTED you all! How did I know I’d typed that before
when I typed it after I typed the thing before (stick with me here)?
Believe me, it’s not the thing that you think.
.…Well, if you thought that I’ve done this in two parts,
and watched the MSG house show in between both parts you might just
be right. That reminds me, I have to finish that off too. And the
DiBiase comp. Crap, I hate starting a review then getting bored.
You do realise I’ve written 500 words on a five-minute match
that was the pits? Don’t expect another match write-up this
long. Well, I lie, considering that only a tiny amount of all that
above is about the actual match; most of it is rants I somehow managed
to get to by deviating wildly! A big shout out to DRAZIC~ who, by
way of Linus, has shown me that he ought to be writing here because
he rules compared to us all. Anyone who can turn Rick Rude (okay,
he’s fairly gay) and Ricky Steamboat (the REAL Man’s
Man, step aside Regal) into a pair of homosexuals mincing around
a WCW ring in 1993 deserves great respect. Yes, by now you should
have realised this is a vain attempt to make me look clever by writing
lots. Yes, you should scroll down.
Actually, don’t. I still have some more stuff to rant about.
Well, actually it’s a theory on how Ed Leslie and Brian Christopher
share a brain. Look at it logically. Christopher crosses the Canadian
border, knowing full well that they are a bunch of Canadians who
will kick you OOT~! of their country if you so much as give them
a boyish wink and a look at their package, with a bunch of cocaine
in his car. Whether he was trying to mimic Special K and ask the
Canadians if they wanted to share a line while debating whether
they could do a 12343065° Killer Driver~! without seriously
injuring anyone. Don’t get me wrong, I like Special K. I think
they’re hilarious. Leslie gets caught with cocaine at his
work, where he tries to survive on $25,000 a year. I know I could.
Well, not if I had a raging cocaine addiction, but hey. His fault.
He’s been given enough chances. Both are incredibly stupid.
Both like the drugs. Both have got jobs because they had influencial
friends/lovers/fathers. Actually, scratch the lovers comment because
I could get a court summons from that. Plus it would mean I would
have to include Triple H in the list, and I don’t want to
type any more.
How many words now? 900? That’ll do, let’s move on…to
something different. I’m bored of Insurrextion.
The house show of DOOMTM which has a Flair/Michaels match which
supposably (I know that’s not a real word, I just always wanted
to use it somewhere) rivals the stuff they did in 1991. I find that
hard to believe, but it’s modern wrestling~ and it involved
two of the best US wrestlers of the last twenty years, so I’m
going to get it. We have ‘Da Fink, aka the Sexy Walrus, doing
the introductions, including several $hills for WWE merch and also
WrestleMania XX: “It’s gonna be a happening!”
God, I miss Gorilla Monsoon. He could get away with saying the
most obvious/stupid things, and was one of the best announcers ever.
Second best behind Solie in the 1980’s, says I. Jonathan Coachman
is NOT one of the best announcers ever, however. He comes out, and
gets Sexy Walrus to leave the ring, but not until he’s taken
off some of his tuxedo and made me realise that he really is fat.
I’m not talking FAT~, like Dick Togo, who can bust out a fat-ass
senton any day and look damned cool doing it, or PHAT~ like Johnny
Saint, who could bust out a Blackpool Ball/Lady of the Lake and
also manage to do the chicken dance routine to get out of a full-nelson
and still look cool, but I’m talking FAT. Not good.
Somewhere in between all this we get Lillian Garcia singing the
national anthem, and we have the first meeting with the smart-mark
commentators for this evening, who end up ruining everything during
the night, apart from one spot in the main event, which could not
be made worse. They make several derogatory remarks towards her,
and now I cannot get this image of Lillian in a porno out of my
mind. She has the face of a pornstar. She has the long vest and
short skirt pulled-right-up look of a pornstar. Lillian would take
it in the ass – you know she would.
…And now for something completely different…
You know how everyone hates Test? You can’t truly hate him
until you’ve seen him on a fancam from inside a box in Madison
Square Garden, so you can’t hear the crowd as well and there’s
no announcers. Oh, and the bounce of the ring can’t be heard
apart from big spots. Then you realise that everything he does is
so annoying you want to kill him. The star-jumps, the words to the
crowd that you can’t hear, the kayfabed injury even though
the referee did the X signal which means that whenever that happens,
you’ll always be thinking it might be faked… There is
a great thing in this match, though. Test does this hilarious impression
of Stacy Keibler (who is with Test for this match), and does the
bend-over while getting into the ring and showing your butt thing,
which legitimately makes me laugh out loud. Then the bell rings.
I stop. This is the worst thing ever. Stacy Keibler tries to get
the crowd going, but whenever Test is on the offence, the crowd
is dead. However, as noted by generic smart #001 on commentary,
they ‘are hot for an opener’. You can’t tell,
but I stopped typing to rock on to Avril Lavigne. Yes, I like lots
of types of music, just like I like lots of types of wrestling.
Sinatra to Busted – NOAH to CZW. For some reason, Keibler
turns on Test and Hurricane wins the match. Then we have the coolness
of a frame being frozen while the next chapter on the DVD loads
up! I love home-made DVD’s.
Teddy Long is on the STICK~ and everyone listens because it’s
Teddy Long, the best manager of the 1990’s behind Jim Cornette
and Paul Heyman… Generic Smart #2 does an impression of Long
that makes me laugh, because he’s probably a 35-year old New
Yorker who is fat and has never been laid. Yeah, I’m calling
out that guy. Kayfabe LIVES on the interweb! Tommy Dreamer comes
out as the usual whiteboy, and I mark because he has a kendo stick
in his hand and I have this funny feeling that Mark Henry would
be willing to get hit with it in an attempt to get over, even on
a house show. Alas, it does not happen, as Dreamer gets practically
squashed, and his kendo stick gets broken over Henry’s knee.
No action for Tommy tonight then…
*RIMSHOT*
Yes, I had to do that. I’m in a childish mood, and have had
to read Chaucer, with all it’s gay references.
‘he was a ful and worthy knight, but he was nat gay.’
Say that in Middle English and I defy you not to laugh.
And we have Fit Finlay at ringside. I thought that this was gonna
rule, because they wouldn’t dare not give 110% in front of
Fit muthatruckin’ Finlay, the wrestling God on earth who managed
to make several bikini models into the best wrestlers on RAW today.
Then they go out and do this. It’s awful. I want to like it,
but I can’t. Then Lita does this stupid spot where she tries
a move and falls over, clutching her hamstring. The smarks laugh
at her and call her names. I cry, because I realise that no longer
does Lita do it for me: since she decided to wear tights, she looks…normal.
The referees come out, and Finlay goes into the ring. They carry
her out, and after a long pause, they continue the match. I think
she is injured. Then, three weeks later, I read the Observer. I
read that they have done this before, and that it’s an angle.
I fill with hate. Then I read that it’s all Fit Finlay’s
doing, and that he practically invented the spot in the CWA in the
70’s. I smile, and fill with admiration for the bleached-blond
Irishman. I don’t care that he lied – he isn’t
Test, he is ungodly. He can do no wrong, because you know that for
every bad thing he does, he plants Hardcore Holly on his arse with
a r0x0rs rugby tackle on TV. Then you come crawling back. No, I
don’t care who won: I can’t remember. I’m guessing
it’s Molly Holly, because the Women’s Title was on the
line and HOUSE SHOWS HAVE NO TITLE CHANGES``` apart from that time
when Booker T wrecked his back and the Intercontinental title changed
hands to Christian. Oh, and there’s loads of other changes,
but they don’t COUNT in the WWE’s re-writing of history.
WCW sucked! There was NO Gobbledy Gooker! Vince McMahon IS a sex
machine!
Now, just because I hate the WWE, I’m going to skip a few
matches and get to the only reason anyone ever got this tape: Flair
vs. Michaels.
Generic Smark #1 starts saying that this match is going to
suck. Well, give them a chance… Both guys come to the ring
and they both get an incredible pop from the New Yorkers. They start
off with some basic stuff, and then Generic Smark #2 starts talking
about the Flair/Steamboat matches. They do the old Steamboat/Flair
spot where Flair drops down to the mat and Michaels hits an elbow,
which Generic Smark #1 seems happy to tell us that this was the
first spot done in the old match. Wow, he thinks he knows something
everyone doesn’t! Well done! They also start saying that they’re
doing everything a million times slower – I don’t care.
This is funky, and this is the best thing on this show. It’s
worth the price of admission, and while it’s not the best
match either guy has had, it beats the shit out of any other WWE
match or for that matter, US independent match that’s happened
in the last six months. They go twenty minutes and then the bell
rings. It’s a draw. Flair asks for five more minutes (NOSTALGIA~~)
and ends up getting beaten by Michaels clean in the middle of the
ring. Oh, did I mention they did the Flair-showing-his-ass-spot?
Well they did. And it wasn’t pretty, but then again, was it
ever?
Let’s skip another match (Booker T & Intercontinental
Champion Rob Van Dam vs. Batista & Randy Orton) and get to the
main event which = HATE HATE HATE`````
Right. This shouldn’t be pretty, and it isn’t. I’m
not going to even type much here. I’m only going to say one
thing. They messed up a spot big-time when Kane came off the turnbuckle
for a clothesline, but was meant to get speared by Goldberg. Problem
is that Kane moved out the way and Goldberg missed. The crowd booed,
but they did the spot over (and smarks complain about indy wrestlers
doing that…) and Goldberg won the match.
T his show from some place in Indiana or somewhere opens up with
a battle royal, which I am NOT going to review because first of
all it was a crap match and secondly I’m not feeling like
reviewing it. However, it does have the Loser Leaves the IWA match
between Chris Hero & Danny Daniels, and it’s modern wrestling
(which is the real reason I got it, because I haven’t seen
any of that for a month or so). We’ll open up then with a
trios match involving Chikara Pro~~~~ wrestlers. For those of you
who don’t know, Chikara are the US version of Toryumon, mixed
together with the coolness of Michinoku Pro from 1996. Get the tapes
and marvel at the fact most of these guys have been in the business
less than a year.
The Wild Cards are as rudo as rudo can be. Chris Hero is on commentary,
which means that he’s bound to go all Mexican-names-for-moves
on us because he’s best friends with Quack, who is a walking
encyclopaedia on wrestling moves. The first half of this match belongs
in the middle of the card at an EMLL show at Arena Mexico. Seriously.
It’s just brilliant. Not like Los GDI brilliant but like Virus
brilliant. Everything is crisp and smooth and they all rule. Each
trainee has obviously been watching their Memphis tapes, because
one guy from each team takes down their straps, and it rules when
Eddie Kingston does it because he is FAT~ and I now want to see
him bust out a fatboy splash in every match he belongs in. Then
Gran Akuma messes up a hurracanrana and it kind of falls apart slightly.
It’s still perfectly good, with all the guys doing well, including
cool spots (one of which is a ‘Tornado tope! With opponent
in electric chair positione!’) Before a headdrop move ends
the match. I hate it when indies make Chikara guys finish matches
with typical headdrops.
The first time I saw Trik Davis he was on MSPW’s Web TV doing
a really bad, cheap imitation of that Guerrero/Malenko pinning sequence.
Now, I see him on my Mid-South tape after one crap match and one
good match and I get the feeling I’m going to go 2-1. Davis
just uses these really slow, bad forearms while Cash Flo stiffs
Davis all around the ring. They mess up running the ropes and the
only thing stopping me from using the fast-forward button is that
the counter on my VCR is broken. Stuff happens, Flo wins.
Daizee Haze is accompanied by Mickie Knuckles, and let me say right
now that if Knuckles wrestles like she talks, then she’s going
to be a bad wrestler. Danger has really improved, and the two take
it to the mat~ early. Actually, this is really really good for US
women’s action, and I’m digging it. Haze wins the match,
avenging her loss to Danger the night previous.
Ryan Boz is Nise Steve Corino. This match is a complete clusterfuck,
and it sucks because the production team split the screen and if
you’ve ever played something as good as Gran Turismo in split
screen you know that it makes everything seem a thousand times worse
than it is. This is not good to start with. The commentary is fucked
up too, with the audio repeating, so I fast-forwarded through much
of the brawling outside the ring to the finish. Rotten slams a ladder
of both guys backs (and by slams, I mean really kills) but then
gets pinned by Boz.
Okay, I can tell this match is going to fucking rule it because
you have Delirious, a Mankind clone who wears a mask and can wrestle
so much better than Foley, and Nate Webb who has the best entrance
in the world.
Her name is Noelle
I had a dream about her
She rings my bell
I got gym class in half an hour
Oh how she rocks
In kit and tube socks
But she doesn’t know who I am…
And she doesn’t give a damn about me…
You know someone is a wrestling GOD when they come out to Wheatus.
You know they are the GOD of GODS when they parade around the ring
twice, including a weird stage dive of sorts, a backflip off the
top rope when the song gets back into gear and is nicknamed Spyder.
This is ridiculously fun even before the bell rings as Webb busts
out the old funky gibbon moves, and shows he is double-jointed by
doing a dance move that would get you your leg over if you showed
it to a girl. Buy the tape and watch as this greasy slimeball shows
he is the COOLEST man on earth. SCREW John Travolta as Danny Zucko
or that guy in Saturday Night Fever, Nate Webb rules the school.
Dave Prazak (best announcer in the biz) does the ring introductions,
saying Delirious is ‘currently kneeling’ and Nate Webb
is ‘straddling the ropes’, before clearing off and letting
these guys deliver a MOTYC. Yeah, so it might not be the best in
terms of wrestling (although it actually totally rules if you like
guys taking it to the mat then speeding up and don’t mind
the typical indy headdrop mania finish) but you could show this
to anyone and it would make them love the sleazy independent in
the Mid-South. They start it off ON THE MAT~! and Eddie Kingston~!
alongside Dave Prazak~! say this is a strange way to start the match.
Delirious rolls out the ring, then rolls immediately back in again
and they try to lock up. Delirious rolls out the ring and back in
and they lock up and I love Delirious because he stalls but in a
fun way that gets his gimmick over. Delirious, because he’s
a weirdo, tastes Nate Webb’s hand and this gets even better
because you now have a spider against some kind of mosquito or something
and I’m making so many spelling mistakes because this match
is so cool and I’m typing far too fast. It’s like a
mixture of the early J-Cup matches and the best bits of Dirty Sanchez
that make you laugh for hours because it’s so hilarious but
without the really freaky physical pain bits.
They then do some funky armwork (both of them) before we get the
first freaky part of the match. Delirious suddenly starts taking
back bumps and screaming wildly and he confuses the hell out of
Webb before killing him with a clothesline that everyone pops for.
Then Webb gets up and stops Delirious mid-run, before GOING BACK
10,000,000 years and becoming a VELOCORAPTOR~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(rinse and repeat). Hell yeah, he starts making screeching noises
and stomping around the ring with his arms raised up like claws
and it’s so fecking great that it even freaks out the unfreakable
Delirious to the point of making him bail outside the ring. They
then get back to doing some good old wrestling, but that doesn’t
last for long as, in the words of DP, they go back to trying to
‘outweird each other’. So the two of them are outside
the ring, and Delirious runs around the corner of the ring, before
turning around and rolling through the corner, under the turnbuckles.
He then runs again, and rolls. By this time Webb is looking at the
fans in the front row with a what the fuck is this look, and doesn’t
notice them bailing as Delirious comes off the ropes for a TOPE
SUICIDA! But no, that’s not the best bit! Delirious overshoots
and smacks his head off one of the chairs at ringside and we all
wince madly before he gets to his feet, shouts something incomprehensible
upon which we all laugh and toast the greatness of this match with
our Pepsi Maxes. Then Nate Webb outfreaks the freakshow by clambering
on the ropes and tying himself up in them and basically doing the
coolest thing ever by rolling off the top rope, smoothly onto the
second, then smoothly onto the bottom rope, which makes Delirious
look at the referee, presumably to say ‘Hey, that’s
some sexy rolling’ by which time Webb has reached the top
rope and is flying towards the masked face of Delirious with what
Kingston calls a tumbleweed (no, not that Tumbleweed).
They do some more sweet, sweet wrestling for another few minutes
and Delirious hits a really cool move, before, and again I quote
the Almighty Prazak ‘circling around Webb’ with his
arms out. He is like a bird, he wants to fly away. Be in awe at
the amount of song lyrics put into this whole review. Then he pins
him and gets a two count because he’s a daft fucker who didn’t
take his chance. It doesn’t matter though, as he drops Webb
on his head in a move that various CZW guys use and make look even
more dangerous than humanely possible that gets the three. You ALL
need to get this, because this is the best match that has ever happened.
It’s perfect to get drunk to, it’s perfect to laugh
at, it’s perfect to see good wrestling and it’s perfect
for headdrops and stuff. You also need to get this because it’s
IWA-MS, and they’re the closest thing to a territory these
days because they go around the horn running shows in the Mid-South
and they rule. That is all.
I might come back to this later, but I’m soo tired of the
wrestling at the minute. As they say in txt spk, l8rs.
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