Real in Memphis - Issue#14

Real in Springfield, Stickmen one up-man ship and Intranet Mempho - RIM#14

Homer Simpson: The Riiiiiiiimpsooons; do-do-do-do-do, do-do-do, dodododo, dodododododo, dodododo

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Eeehh, that's just the theme of that animated show on Fox.

Homer: OK, how about this. de-de-de-de-de, de-de.

Apu: That's the same thing. You just replaced do's with de's.

Homer: DOH!

Comic Book Guy: Will you two please be quiet. The tape is about to start.

Mr Burns: Ah, Bret Hart is number one. I like that fellow. A very old-school kind of feel to him.

Comic Book Guy: Yees, I would have to agree with you on that. His manager is a very cool guy too, from that old Memphis territory.

Ralph Wiggum: On the other side of the ring is Tito Sanatana. He was in Strike Force!

Apu: Dave Meltzer rates Bret Hart as one of the best the WWF ever had. I like him too.

Milhouse Van Houten: They're starting up! All marks shut it!!!

Krusty The Clown: After whatever it is I've been smoking, Bret's tights looks kinda homosexual! Lolololol.

Ned Flanders: That Jesse Ventura is very good. Evil, in a nice-diddly-ice kind of way. Not like that Jerry Lawler with his rude mouth.

Groundskeeper Willie: Aye, here comes Butch Reed.

Rod Flanders: Who's he ?

Ralph: Doooom!! Wahooo!

Homer: That Butch Reed's got some nice pecs. In a total straight kind of way of course.

Kent Brockman: Jim Neidhart is next. Not as good as anyone in NJPW, but him and Bret had some good bouts.

Krusty: Bowwwooooww! Jake!! Bill Watts, go to hell!

Flanders: I don't like there being any talk of hell here if you don't mind. And Bill Watts ran a great territory back in the day. Duggan, DiBiase, JYD, Midnight Express, Steve Williams, Eddie Gilbert. I love watching the old tapes. Not like this evil ROH promotion. And here is Harley Race!

Comic Book Guy: Race was an uber wrestler. Who gives a shit about some Kraftwerk wannabee from Copenhagen ?

Apu: I do. What makes you think he can't wrestle ?

Comic Book Guy: I never said he couldn't. But he's a ponce.

Chief Wiggum: I like ROH. It has substance. And Bryan Danielson.

Comic Book Guy: Wasn't he in Karate Kid ?

Snake: Ohhh...have meeercy!

Professor Frink: Wax on, wax off.

Homer: Quiet you guys; out came one of the Killer Bees, but your talking made me miss which one it was.

Mayor Quimby: It was Brunzell. Not that pornstar look-a-like Brian Blair.

Homer: I like the Bees, but nothing beats a good old-fashioned pornstar.

Bart Simpson: Agree with you there. 80's pornstars ruled. Nowadays it's just roided up studds with giant penises.

Comic Book Guy: You're not a roided up studd with a giant penis Bart ?

Flanders: Sam Houston! But no mention of him being Jake's brother. Kayfabe!

Comic Book Guy: Right on Capurnicus. Wrestling was real in the 80's.

Principal Skinner: Yeah, Brutus The Barber, Boogie Woogie Man and Red
Rooster. They were all real back then.

Comic Book Guy: Your point being ?

Skinner: My point being that there is plenty of great wrestling for you guys to enjoy, even today.

Apu: I would agree with that. Especially in NOAH where matches have heat.

Nelson Muntz: What's the name of that other promotion in Japan ? NJPW ? I hope they all die of cancer! Cancer I say!

Kent Brockman: This just in: that joke is getting both outdated AND boring.

Nelson: No it isn't. Shut up!

Mr Burns: Will you people please! You've talked over Danny Davis, Boris Zhukov AND Don Muraco all entering the ring.

Rod Flanders: Danny Davis ? Is that the same guy as from OVW ?

Moe Szyslak: Zhukov is gone! I never liked him anyway. Reminds me of a fork-in-the-eye kinda guy.

Flanders: Darn-diddly-yarn; Race is gone.

Comic Book Guy: How ironic is it that one of the greatest ever just got tossed out like a sack of potatoes ?

Karl Karlsen: Race was great, no doubt, but there's many japanese joshi wrestlers better than him.

Ralph: Hooooooooooooooooooooo!

Milhouse: Stop marking out! I WILL kill you.

Nelson: Die of cancer Milhouse.

Flanders: Here comes Outlaw Ron Bass. He's a rugged individual. Texas bad-behind, like Murdoch & Hansen were.

Rod Flanders: Stop living in the paaast.

Groundskeeper Willie: What's wrong with that ? At least they didn't have all the smart mark Philly crap back in the day.

Apu: Willie, not ALL of the indy guys today fit that bill.

Mayor Quimby: Here comes that pornstar Brian Blair.

Homer: Woohooo! Wrestling and porn!

Comic Book Guy: With my libido being the way it is at the moment, I'm far more exited about the wrestling than the porn.

Skinner: Talk about when wrestling was real; here comes Hillbilly Jim.

Ralph: I like him!

Jimbo Jones: Dino Bravo ? WWF weren't exactly loaded with great workers in 88, were they ?

Flanders: Workers, psychology, pacing, highspots, transitions.it's only wrestling people!

Snake: You are spot on, dude.

Apu: What's the danger in calling a wrestler a worker ?

Snake: Oh shut up Apu. I'll break your legs.

Apu: Is that some kind of a threat ?

Snake: Well, duh cuntsie.

Flanders: Wooooorrryyaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!!

Apu: Oh please. Jerry Lynn is a much better worker than the Anabolic one.

Flanders: Jerry Lynn is a mechanical no-passion wrestler. He has no emotion. The Worriyah on the other hand symbolises what wrestling is all about -- the characters, the over-the-topness, the larger-than-life creations. Warrior > Lynn.

Comic Book Guy: Have to agree with the Flandmeister there.

Snake: Me too.

Homer: Me too. I never liked Warrior, but Jerry Lynn can go fuck himself.

Nelson: Or die of cancer! No wait, I like him. Unlike Drew McDonald, who I hope gets hit by a bus. Then dies. Then gets cancer!

Skinner: Ahh, I give up.

Kent Brockman: While you guys were arguing, Muraco threw out Bret Hart. He lasted an impressive 25 minutes+.

Mr Burns: Yeah, that Bret Hart is an excellent fellow.

Homer: Couldn't agree more. Jerry who ?

Professor Frink: I remember back in the day, n'gee, when Bret wrestled in Georgia.

Snake: Isn't that the home of a certain cocksuker ?

Krusty: Woooowoooowww! One Man Gang! Smell the Watts influence!

Comic Book Guy: FAT~~

Mayor Quimby: And the pornstar isuuh gooone.

Krusty: Am I smoking too much again, or did the Junk Yard Dog just come running out ?

Milhouse: He sure did fellow RIMmer~~!!

Krusty: Mid-South all over again! Duggan! Gang! JYD! Blade Runners!

Moe: Except there's no Sting.

Krusty: I knew it! Damn bong. Lololol

Ralph: We're down to three! Gang, Bravo & Duggan!

Groundskeeper Willie: What are you, the commentator ?

Ralph: Down to two! Down to two!

Krusty: Crockeeeeeet!! I mean, Waaaaatts!!!

Snake: C'mon Gang. Beat up that USA yelling dude.

Ralph: It's over! It's over! It's over!

Apu: I can't belive Duggan won the damn thing. On my scale he's not a top 50 of all time calibre wrestler. I liked the match though, think I'll give it ***1/4.

Ralph: I don't understand star ratings, but I enjoyed seeing all of those wrestlers at the same time.

Comic Book Guy: Meh. It was ok and all that, but I wouldn't go out of my way to ever watch it again.

Bart: So until next time folks, this has been the Rimpsons!

Milhouse: Highspots are for losers!

So I first got this like two months ago, and watched it when I was ill and couldn’t type or write any notes down, so, finally, after seeing Lee review the tape leading up to this, I had motivation to do this. This tape is home to the godliness that has become known as Ricky/Zumbi, and also has some other decent matches on it, mainly from EMLL, but two also from the fledgling AAA, which are...meh.

This match is JIP! and if you don’t know what JIP stands for, you are NOT a wrestling fan. Anyway, it’s the start of the third fall (tercera caida for those of you who are reading this to learn something), and Volador comes off right away with a hurricanrana, which is fairly impressive. Virus is Virus; namely, being ridiculously over with the crowd despite the fact he’s small, chubby and has a set of teeth that would be more suited to someone like Bugs Bunny. He oozes coolness, or Machismo, depending on whether you want to remember the whole awful fake ‘chico’ accent that Scott Hall had when he was with Vinnie Mac the first time. Ahem...back to the match. There’s a chopfest~ with Averno and Virus on the floor, which leads up to the best spot ever which can only be shown with the aid of an ANIMATED GIF!!!1 which is ten times better than Señor Flattery’s in the last RIM. So without further ado, here it is:

Cool, isn’t it? But that isn’t even the best bit of the match! No, I kid you not! The best bit is when everyone decides to do topés, and a certain elderly fan just stands by at ringside while people are flying left, right and centre of him. Only in Mexico. The end of this fun opener comes when Los Infernales hit a triple team move which I forget the name of on one of the technicos to win, two falls to one.

This is all build up to the Marvin/Zumbi match that was my early MOTYC, you see. Something that you’d never get north of the border in the WWE. Marvin appears to be more than just a good looking guy who has one of the best names ever when he appears in tights that he must have had to skin ten cows for. Zumbido has the purple hair, and I’m in heaven.

Magica and Zumbido start out by doing some smooth matwork which, if this show was held in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, would have garnered a five minute standing ovation. Sadly, this is Arena Mexico, and the reaction is just noise, which is actually better than a few hundred people chanting ‘WORKRATE’ or whatever. Ricky and Juvi then tag themselves in for either team and they manage to look sloppy doing matwork, with Juvi looking completely lost, which I blame on Rob Black. There’s an obvious yet funny observation coming up when Dantes tags in - the video profile thing that shows before the match for Dantes must have been done a few years back, as it shows Dantes ripped, when now he’s a sagging douchebag. What the juice will do to people...

Zumbido immediately becomes the best wrestler ever by tripping up while getting into the ring, a move which Ric Flair would be proud of. The technicos take the first fall with some nice moves which I can’t be bothered to explain. The second fall starts off well, with Ricky Marvin hitting an enziguri followed by a 619, which was the most overused move in modern wrestling until some pillock decided to bring the facewash into North American rings. Dantes and Mascara get finished off, levelling the scores at one fall each.

Juvi decides to break out a painful looking pumphandle facebuster near the end of the third fall, but it is los technicos who rule the school as Apollo Dantes uses a Northern Lights Suplex to get the win.

So the blue EMLL monkey is at ringside with Porky, Niebla and Atlantis. I love the way the monkey is just THERE. He’s my favourite wrestling monkey, just edging out the brown Toryumon monkey for second place, and AKIRA for third. Lucha libre is incredible in the fact that you can be 90 years old, but can still be considered viable to wrestle in the ring. Look at Atlantis and Niebla. They’re old, but they still rule, especially Niebla, who just SLAPS Sliver-I mean Black Tiger when he tries to get in the ring.

Why do they keep Silver King under the mask anyway? It’s like Mexico’s most well-known secret. It’s like saying that Dusty Rhodes wasn’t the Midnight Rider, it’s stupid. Porky~~~ who is probably the sexiest man in Mexico according to some (knocking the socks off El Dandy with his oversized love handles) gets in the ring, and Tarzan Boy is immediately assigned as the person who has to drag him through some spots where he gets slightly mobile. Strangely enough, they cut to what I can only describe as a Mexican cowboy with a 1980’s moustache at ringside the second Porky steps into the ring. Are they trying to tell us something?

The almighty monkey hits a sweet dive off the apron onto Tiger and Panther on the floor, but it hinders the technicos as one of them has to get off the apron and put the monkey back on the apron. Do they have that problem with midgets? I can’t remember ever seeing a minis match where someone couldn’t get back onto the apron. Would the referee place the person back up? Is there some sort of specialised crane? Am I rambling? The technicos win the first fall, but how and when I can’t remember.

Tarzan Boy then takes the best monkey flip ever in the segunda caida, which is slightly ironic, considering his name (believe me, these small gags look better on paper). The rudos win the second fall, and we’re back to a final fall.

I need to step back and say that I have a whole load of respect for Mr. Niebla. He could be like some old wrestlers in EMLL and ask his opponents to go easy, but no. In this match alone, he takes a full-on double dropkick to either side of the head, which makes him the typical wrestling hero for being willing to be kicked in the head REALLY HARD. Strong-style is what we’re meant to call it these days.

In an incredible feat, Blue Panther manages to slam Porky, and soon after, Porky raises the intensity level by flying with a topé that, if it had not been done by such a big guy, would have made me put thousands of ```````’s here. Because it was really impressive though, I’ll give it ~~~½. It could have been better had they used more psychology, and if they had sold the leg more. (note to self: ARC shot in place). Atlantis makes Tarzan give with his cool-looking reverse torture rack and this fun little match is over.

So according to half of the UKFF, we should hate this match. It’s not got a 30 minute headlock sequence, and NO mat wrestling. Sorry, but fuck you, we all like this match. Zumbi comes out to the great Shaggy music, and this thing is just getting started. He tries to get Ricky during his entrance, but misses, and they brawl on the ramp for a bit until Ricky throws him in the ring then hits him with a SWEET springboard dropkick. Ricky has all the offence apart from an Ace Crusher, and he gets ridiculous height with a running headscissors off the ropes, which throws the whole ‘white man can’t fly’ theory right out the window. Zumbi takes to the outside, and for our enjoyment, Ricky sees if he can kill both himself and his opponent by launching himself into Zumbido’s gut, THEN flipping over, giving us the coolest tope con hilo EVAR.

They get back into the ring and Ricky takes the early lead with a super-quick magistral cradle. Second fall starts off at the same ridiculous lighting pace that the first one did, with Zumbido being the dickish heel by cartwheeling over a low Marvin dropkick, then hitting one of his own right to Ricky’s jaw. Marvin then tries to push his disregard for his body even more by throwing himself off the apron to the floor, landing awkwardly on his back. Zumbido gets pissed off by Marvin’s attempts to steal the show, and decides to hurtle himself over the top rope and land on Ricky (and the wooden floor) back first in one of those moves you see in EVERY M-Pro match from 1996. However, unlike those Japanese pussies, Zumbi doesn’t roll through. He just lands, and breaks his back.

That’s the great thing about lucha. When you take away the lights and the flashy entrances, you have the classic stinky arena with two guys who will offer you their wives and girlfriends to pleasure you while they entertain you by trying to cripple themselves in a thousand different ways all for the almighty American dollar. God, I love Mexico. Somehow, both men get up, and back into the ring where a fisherman’s buster evens the scores in this caballera contra caballera match (hair vs hair).

The ring-girl for the second fall is ugly, but you soon forget about that when Ricky misses a knee into the corner, but hits a great springboard dropkick to kickstart the final fall. Marvin then runs at Zumbido, but gets hiptossed out of the ring and does the old Taka Michinoku Special ‘00, by landing face first on the floor. Amazingly, he doesn’t break his collarbone like Taka did, and becomes a national hero. It’s not over yet though as Zumbido decides to try and get the danger up another notch or two with a big plancha. You can almost imagine the scene backstage at Arena Mexico prior to the match:

Zumbi: So...er....what’cha wanna do?

Ricky: I dunno. We COULD give them a slow one -

Zumbi: Nah.

Ricky: So the breakneck deathtrap stuff it is then?

Zumbi: Sounds great.

The fans start to buy near falls from a sunset flip and a great way to cut off a handspring back elbow in one easy step: kicking them hard in the back by Zumbido along with his Fishermans buster.

Zumbido misses a charge at Marvin in the corner, and takes a fall to the outside, and, as a concerned fan, you almost worry for the safety of both men, knowing that what is coming up next will be more ridiculous than everything before it. Rest assured, you stand up and scream at the TV when Marvin pulls out a 720 corkscrew plancha. Yeah, and seven hundred and fucking twenty degree spin while hurtling over the ropes.

This is where the match comes into it’s own - a great ending. Both men try to get back into the ring as the referee starts his ten count. He gets up to eight, and both men are chopping at each other. Nine, and they stop and look at the ring. They both run, and slide in, but both are too late as the referee reached ten, meaning both men will be getting a haircut tonight.

Words don’t do this match justice. Watch it yourself, and realise JUST how good it is.

I can’t remember whether this is the one that everyone pimps so much, but, if it is, I don’t get the hype, just like El Numero Uno 2003. Shocker comes off as strangely average, while UG pulls off a RNR Express selljob on the knee that made him lose the first fall.

Shocker taps to an armbar, evening the score up, but then doesn’t sell it for the rest of the match. That = ```````. I should mention that up until the third fall, both men are going at the same speed as the previous match, which is fast. They slow it down, however, and we get a false finish~! when Tarzan Boy, UG’s second, counts a three, making Shocker think he’s won. They then do a thing where one misses an elbow from the top and the other misses a moonsault, which is awful considering they’re meant to be selling the injuries.

UG won with a lucha-madness-tie-up-mind-killing-impossible-ridiculous-submission-type-thingy™, and Shocker acted all annoyed.

And now, because I can’t find the tape anymore, you will be treated to half an AJPW thing I watched about six months ago while I wait for the 2003 Memphis TV shows to download.

Don’t hold me to the fact that this is the CC, because I have a funny feeling it’s actually the Muto Produce Day. Does it really matter? It’s AJPW, it’s average and I’m loving it~~

Okay, so Urano has the best entrance music in the history of wrestling. The only way it could be beaten would be if someone lifted the music in the credits for Legends of Wrestling 2 and used that. Imagine some random guy coming out to the Jimmy Hart song! YEAH! ‘Cos we are the legends - the legends of wrestliiiiinnngg... Even my non-wrestling friend Dave loved that song. If I’d written this three months back I could’ve recited the whole song. So Hirai suddenly locks in this boston crab that actually COULD hurt you. Yeah I’m looking at you, Jericho. You had the cool-as-fuck Liontamer back in WCW, then you sold out to the big white man with the juiced up arms. You SOLD OUT. Urano taps. That’s it? Meh.

Hands down, Gran Naniwa is the best wrestling crab with Gran in his name that I know. If we’re just talking about wrestling crabs, I’d go for the Lobsterman. I’ve never seen him wrestle, but he actually wears these lobster hands which automatically makes any match he wrestles in *****. Yang is still in his ‘I ain’t signing no contract’ stage, which means that he still has the prominent sideburns and slightly-lazy wrestling that you can get by with on US pay-per-view. The only reason I mark for Hayashi any more is because he does the ‘FURKYUHHH’ spinning heel kick which should have all the Japanese girls fainting as they finger themselves in front of the TV screen. They build up to the finish and Yang hits the Yang Time (only just, mind) to win.

Oh yeah! Thanks to the joy of the internet, we get to see Memphis TV just a day after it happens live in the studios of UPN Channel 30! Yeah, so it may not be as prestigious as the old school Channel 5 studio shindig, but it’s REAL WRESTLING IN FUCKING MEMPHIS~! Just in case you don’t know the background to this promotion, let me take you quickly through the history of Memphis Wrestling in 2003...

It’s the XWF. Yeah, that one which had Hogan for their TV tapings, then got him signed away because the WWE thought that the wrestling was so bad that it may rival the big leagues. Jimmy Hart decided it wasn’t going to work in Florida, so they moved to Memphis. Corey Macklin got involved. People like Jimmy Valiant got involved. They got a TV spot, Saturday mornings. That brings us up to about a month ago, where our more detailed journey begins...

Reggie is the worst talker in Memphis EVAR. You see, he plays this ultra-cool, charismatic rap star who has all these high connections, but Jimmy Hart gets so pissed off at him that he tells him on live TV to face the camera, and not Corey Macklin in the pre-match interview. Oh yeah, some footage is shown of him with this rapper, who no-one knows.

Cobra is your jobber for the evening. They start out good, but then Reggie pretends to take out a foreign object, but doesn’t use it. I have a match from the USWA that I’ve just put from DVD onto video so I can watch it all over my house, that is a lesson in Wrestling 101: How to be an effective heel. In that Lawler, against the Junkyard Dog, does everything to hide this chain, even putting it into his mouth.

Reggie B. Fine can only PRETEND that he has something, then doesn’t do anything apart from backrakes. Match finishes when some music hits, Fine gets distracted and rolled up for the shock win. If anyone tried to put over this idea in the WWE, where a jobber beats a main guy, it’d be shot down. This is why I love territorial wrestling.

Brian ‘Don’t call me Lawler’ Christopher comes out and wants a loser-leaves-town match with Doug Gilbert. It’s ridiculous how much Christopher sounds like Lawler; it’s Jerry, but slightly deeper.

KOKO B. WARE is REAL IN MEMPHO! Yeah, he does an interview - ‘does’ is actually wrong - he sings an interview, and I’d only be marking out more than I am now if he was wearing lime green suspenders and parachute pants.

Ouch, this sucks a hard one. The AExpress are the most blatant Hardy Boys rip-off you’ve ever seen (yes, even more so than the ones you saw in Brighton along with ‘Ice Cold’ Steve Asstun and ‘Kane’ back in 2000). Koko pins Stephen Lee in a NOTHING match.

Okay, this is a losers-leave-town match for some unknown reason. This is also the main event, despite only being 30 minutes or so into an hour long show. Shock and BADD are a pair of ‘roid boys, Kevin White is a local jobber and Brian Christopher is a HOUSE ON FIRE. Christopher acts like a heel, even though he’s a face against two heels, although he’s playing the whiny heel against Gilbert, yet getting the fans behind him making him a face. No, I don’t get it either. All I know is that the match ends in a DQ, and no-one leaves town. That is just not the way you do stuff.

Oh look, Doug Gilbert is here now. Rejoice. He looks old. He gets attacked by the heel team on the announcers desk. No-one cares.

The King~~ comes back to Memphis and talks about beating HHH in the middle of the ring. He really is some kind of god, when you think that no-one has beaten HGH truly cleanly in about three years. Doug Gilbert comes back, no-one cares. It’s like Erik Watts in TNA.

We get hyped for the debut of this guy called Cyborg, whose entrance has been pimped all show. Anyway, the time for the main event that isn’t the main event (if you catch my drift) is upon us. The studio lights go down, and this IS a big deal. Memphis usually doesn’t have entrances. This cool-looking guy comes out, sunglasses on with a laser coming out, wearing a trenchcoat. Then he gets into the ring. The lights come up. He takes off his jacket, and he looks like shit.

Seriously, take the usual big bloke in a leotard, add blue to it in all the wrong places, cut off the trousers, leaving him with about an inch of shorts, and you have this ‘Cyborg’. Add to the fact that he sucks in the ring, and you have a recipe for...disaster.

For about 30 seconds, nothing happens. Then Cyborg hits a SLOPPY-as fuck powerbomb. One, two, three, it’s over.

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