EMLL
TV (January 2003) by Lee Flattery
Satanico/El
Mephisto/El Averno v El Felino/Blue Demon Jr/Super Crazy
Satanico is
old and fat but tough as a motherfucker. Some of you got to meet
him and I didn't. Life sucks. Skit has Los Infernales running, Rencor
and Mephisto trying to keep up with the old bastard. Satanico is
your cool Mexican uncle.
The long shot of Arena Mexico tells me something; that Vince McMahon
took the working class out of wrestling. The WWF skewed wrestling
in such a 'clean' direction that its arenas are now filled with
middle class teenagers and frat boys to whom professional wrestling
is some mildy ironic, comedy soap opera that exists solely to fill
the void between keg parties and date rapes. What was it that Jello
Biafra said? If the future of America is in their hands, watch it
fall over Niagra Falls. You don't get this in Mexico - good old
Mexico - where the arenas and municipal halls (AAA!!!) are filled
with rabidly enthusiastic throngs that create the magical aura that
is the heartbeat of lucha libre. The audience has character; Rudo
Cowbell Geezer, Grandma in the front row, the women that cry when
Santo or Vampiro lose. Keeping it real, literally.
The ring girl in blue with the shortish brown hair is beautiful.
There is a disturbing pathos behind those sparkling eyes and melting
smile - the life of a stripper in Ciudad Mexico can't be the most
appetising. I hope that one day she finds a contented, happy life
to match her smile. Muerte al Fox! Viva Zapata y viva Mexico!
Rencor and Felino begin proceedings in the ring with a hard n' fast
lucha mat battle because they are men. Both of these guys rule it
like all of hell. Blue Demon doesn't rule or anything, but he does
get a good triple-teaming (in a non-Dionysiac way) from Los Infernales.
An elaborate three man powerbomb sees off Felino and an even more
elaborate three man, four-point stretch on Demon secures the primera
caida for El Rudo Numero Uno and his muchachos. I mark out for the
Mexican domestic abuse advert. It's not the Puerto Rican 'Goya'
advert but it was pretty fucked up all the same.
We return to Arena Mexico and the Infernales are continuing their
three man domination. Satanico slaps the shit out of all the techies
with body language that offers out anyone brave or stupid enough.
I love Satanico. Tecnicos fight their way back into the ring. Crazy
sloppily locks Tajiri's tarantula hold on Rencor, and Demon stretches
Satanico for a very short second fall.
More picture perfect intensity from Felino and Rencor in the decider.
A beautiful spot where Felino reverses Rencor into the corner so
that he is perched on the ropes, climbs behind him and reverse hurracanrana's
him into oblvion. All in virtually one motion. Abruptly, Crazy and
Felino are put into submission holds for an Infernales victory.
If this wasn't very badly clipped - and it didn't seem to be - then
it was almost a squash. Satanico humiliates Blue Demon further by
slapping him around and pinning him after the fact. Satanico = bad
ass.
MOMENTOS ESTELARES!!!!!!!!!!!
- Porky does a really drunk looking top rung splash, Satanico viciously
dropkicks that little bitch Ricky Marvin in the balls and Black
Warrior adds another insane tope-con-hilo to the collection.
Shocker/Vampiro/Atlantis
v Tarzan Boy/Ultimo Guerrero/Rey Buccanero
'It could be
Brian May! No wait, that's not his cup of tea. That's the other
one........God rest his soul.' - Alan Partridge
That's what
I think of when I hear 'We Will Rock You'. Thank you Mr Coogan.
A mowhawked Vamp hits the ring to the strains of Rancid and instantly
gets jumped pre-bell by Tarzan's crew. Trailer park girls go round
the outside is the maxim according to Eminem's nasal sneer, beckoning
the coming of Shocker. Guapo-boy takes his sweet time getting down
there and is met on the ramp by Ultimo. The two exchange very hard
looking shots before Tarzan gets a cheap shot on Shocker. Ultimo
bombs it along the ramp and knocks Shocker into the ring with a
motherfucking brute of a clothesline. Atlantis gets a similar kicking
to his teammates from Rey Buccanero, who looks strangely like Kea/Mossman
with short hair. Tarzan Boy parades around the ring milking the
crowd. He's probably high....but it works for him. 'WHAT THE FUCK
IS THAT?' is my response to the presence of a blue monkey on my
television screen. I then recompose myself and realise that it is
a midget in a blue monkey costume that seems to be following Atlantis
around. Lucha libre motherfuckers!!! Shocker gets a triple teaming
from the GDI. I think the reason for all the chess club smarks liking
Rey B and UG so much is that they are so puroresu influenced and
more attuned to a style that they're comfortable with watching.
This works fine in EMLL too, especially when you have a son of bitch
like Shocker who can sell it all like a crazy motherfuck. End of
this fall is very creative; assisted by his buddies Ultimo manages
to get Atlantis in a reverse Gory Special and Shocker in a pendulum
swing hold SIMULTANIOUSLY! A definite entry for 'The Guinness Book
of Silly Lucha Submissions'.
Shocker ain't gonna be made no bitch without retribution. He swaggers
about whilst beating the fuck out of everyone with chops and All
Japan style kicks. That's the thing with Shocker - like Shawn Michaels
- it all looks so easy when he does it. They could do one of those
Ronaldinho adverts with Shocker clotheslining street kids and dancing.
I could do one as well - tricks with post-office elastic bands being
my forte. Problem is that I'd be deep in my cold, cold grave before
I ever worked for Nike. Shocker sends Ultimo over the top with a
mouth-watering Tosh kick to the head, followed promptly by a full
steam tope. Shocker kicks your ass and fucks your mother! Vamp crawls
out from wherever he was hiding and drills Rey B with his Juvi-spike
for three. Concurrently, Tarzan Boy is screaming for mercy as Atlantis
gives him the spinny fireman's carry dealie. The crowd is pumped
for la tercera caida because Shocker is that fucking good.
As the GDI do the kayfabe fake-walkout to kill time (kind of like
Bolton the other week - twats!), Tarzan delivers self-depricating
heel schtick to rival the best of them, including a jump-over-the-ropes-arrogantly-and-slip
bit. Tarzan Boy is soooooooooooo the best worker of the Guerreros
Del Infierno, mainly because - like Shocker - his charisma is just
so immense. As nice as Ultimo and Rey B's stylings are, and they
are nice, the fact remains that in lucha libre you need people like
Shocker, Tarzan, Wagner and Santo to get things over. (Edit: I didn't
realise that Tarzan had been fired from EMLL. Bastards!). TARZAN
BOY v SHOCKER! The two go at it briefly in a singles exchange and
it's a complete outswanking contest. They hit the outside, Buccanero
and Vampiro hit the ring. They hit a few nice little spots. Adjunctly,
Tarzan gets a crotching (again, non-Dionysiac) from Atlantis and
a subsequent tope from the old man. The smoke clears and it all
comes down to ULTIMO MOTHERFUCKING GUERRERO V MOTHERFUCKING SHOCKER!!!
Arena Mexico roars and they exchange hard chops to the chest. Shocker
breaks out the sweetest of punches and floors Mr Guerrero. Ultimo
gets a powerbomb from Shocker, only for Rey B to break the cover
with a foul. Referee doesn't see it, Shocker writhes around clutching
at his nuts and Ultimo gets the three. The blue monkey looks aghast
with disbelief. This was fugging great.
(We propell
ourselves into next weeks show at this point)
- BORICUAS SKIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pierroth rambles madly as Violenica tries to make sense of it all.
Ah............
Blue
Panther/Violencia/Pierroth Jr v El Gran Markus Jr/Satanico/Apollo
Dantes
Step right up
ladies, for I have a treat in store. That's right - Gran Markus
is sans t-shirt and women around the world are getting moister down
below than the entire front row of a Tom Jones concert. I get rather
excited myself when I see Blue Panther because he's all underpushed
and not on TV even though he's the bestestest wrestler in the world.
The Maestro rewards my enthusiasm instantly with an IMMENSE tope
into Senor Dantes. That delightful horned chappy Violencia takes
his cue from this and kills Satanico with some more craziness. El
Commandate de Las Boricuas, Pierroth is a mad, mad, mad bastard,
if you have never noticed. He whips Markus with a big, brown leather
strap, turning his pasty, obese upper body red. Pierroth crosses
the line of lucha ettique by using said belt to choke Markus' fat
face and gets himself disqualified. Primera caida to the fat guy,
the ass-kickin' old guy and the scarred guy.
Then Blue Panther and Satanico have me bitchmarking by engaging
in a complete stiffing fest. I sooooooooo love these two guys because
they walk into a Boricuas match in Arena Colliseo and just beat
the shit out of each other for the hell of it. I can imagine the
dialogue backstage:
Panther: It
kinda sucks that we're not in the main events at the moment and
stuff.
Satanico: Yeah,
dude. Especially since all the kids are doing that puro shit now.
Panther: We
should go out there and show them how motherfucking stiff is done
in motherfucking Mexico, hombre.
Satanico: (nods)
Vamanos!
Panther whips
Satanico into the corner, backs up and hits him with a fucking Three
Mile Island of a running clothesline. Satanico takes it like a man,
and you know that deep down he enjoyed it (non-Dionysiac). El Rudo
Numero Uno find himself the reciepient of a three man beatdown and
fights like a mofo. Panther poses by standing on Satanico's neck,
Dante's knocks him off balance and out of the ring for another huge
bump. Violencia finds himself the victim of a triple team powerbomb
and Team Pierroth are given the boot for a bit. Satanico exacts
his revenge upon Mr Lagunero with just about the HARDEST standing
bodyblock that I have ever seen. Dantes capitalises on this with
a tope through the ropes to take Panther out of the equation. Satanico
gets a good slap from Violencia but manages to dodge his sweet cannonball
senton; the horny one landing on his arse. So, it all comes down
to the battle of the taches - Pierroth and Markus. There is something
indecipherably brilliant about the whole Boricuas-Markus fued that
makes it entertaining to watch. I guess you could call it booking.
Pierroth holds fat bloke by the arms as one of the peripheral Boricuas
- who is either a) a very ugly woman or b) a man with boobs - clambers
into the ring. 'She' fires a boot in the direction of Markus' love
paraphernalia - only Markus moves and Pierroth feels the brunt of
the force in his own knackers. That's two falls straight for Markus
and our Puerto Rican friend is pissed. Markus airs a challenge for
a hair v hair match in the post match tet-a-tet - a match potentially
dripping in FAT! goodness. Aquire this match for the Panther-Satanico
bits, for they are the funnest wrestlers in the world.
Zumbido/Loco
Max/Nozawa v Olympico/Safari/Ricky Marvin
Loco Max = Apollo
Dantescito. It's uncanny. He and Zumbidowski are students of 'Guapo
U': ie. wannabe Guapos. The deal is 1) get Zumbi over as a heel,
2) get Marvin over as a face and 3) get a bunch of rookies like
Loco on TV. Disturbingly, Zumbido resembles a Mexican Lance Storm
- I find it odd that nobody else has ever made this observation.
Look at his face.........it's identical. Fortunately, the similarity
ends with appearances because we all know that Zumbi rocks and Lancey-boy
is a lamoid.
Ooh ah, just a little bit. Ooh ah, a little bit more. Ooh ah, just
a little bit. You know what I'm searching for.
Lympie sooooooooooooo
has the best music in wrestling.
'Lynne, idea
for programme - "The Eurovision Thong Contest 2' hosted by
Gina G-String. Channel 5'll do it.'
Safari has a
death wish or something; the double suicidal divey thing that he
and Lympie do is a cracker.
So, that was that then.
Loco Max rules.
He does crazy Eddie Gilberty bumps and stuff all over the place.
Much better than that little stinkball Ricky Marvin. Eddie Dantescito
ith you wheeeeeeeeeeeel.
She's into superstition,
black cats and voodoo dolls.
Safari
does the most fucked up move I've ever seen. With his opponent lying
on the mat he springs into the air and lands head first in the guys
stomach at 90 degrees.
She'll make
you take your clothes off and go dancing in the rain.
Zumbido sells
like a motherfucker for Ricky's overpushed, pretty boy derriere.
Marvin does a Minoru Tanaka rolling armbar for two straight tecnico
falls. Zumbidowski is pissed and hair match challenges fly out.
Upside, inside
out - Livin' la vida loca. Her lips are ruby red and her skin's
the colour of mocha. She will wear you out - Livin' la vida loca.
(Of course,
between watching this match and writing this I have seen the hair
match betweem Ricky and Zumbi - I won't spoil it because it's pretty
fucking great. Make sure you watch it though or I'll make you listen
to all of '....And Justice For All' without a pissbreak)
Mr
Niebla/Mascara Magica/Villano III v Mascara Ano Dos Mill/Black Tiger/Dr
Wagner Jr
The good thing
about Silver King's gimmick is that he is a Mexican pretending to
be Japanese. Only he speaks Spanish and everyone knows that he's
Silver King anyway. It's kind of like Mrs Slocam's pussy - if you
think about it. Wagner and King plot all evil in the doctor's office.
Blue Jam meets EMLL.
Wagner: Come
in.
Loco Max: Hello
Doctor.
Wagner: Apollo
Dantes?
Loco Max: No,
Loco Max.
Wagner: Ah,
have a seat and sit down.
Loco Max: Thanks.
Wagner: Now
what seems to be the problem?
Loco Max: It's
my neck - something to do with the Eddie bumps.
Wagner: Yes,
and how big's your Jalisco?
Loco Max: Que?
Wagner: Get
it out, let's have a look........
Mascara Ano Dos Mil has the stupidest name in wrestling.
1) He has no
mask.
2) The year
2000 has been and gone - thus losing all its Buck Rogers lucha coolness.
M2K (titter)
is a decent enough wrestler though, even though he gets victimised
by the generalisers of Smartsylvania. Black Tiger and Doc beat people
up because that's what they do. They even let Mr Dos Mil join in
with a boot or two. Silver King busts out one his velocified tope
suicidas. Wagner ain't gonna be outdone and unleashes the powerbomb
goodness, while Mascara 2000 gets on with some body contorting.
This, my friends, was a rudo caida.
That old man Villano Tercera sells his second fall kicking so well
that I almost cry for him in girlish sympathy. All the Villanos
rule and it's a damn shame that the original Villano, Ray Mendoza
recently passed away. The Villanos were pink n' black before those
sweaty Canucks ever were! V3 gets his fightback in and Mr Niebla
goes motherfuggin' airborne. V3 hits a fucking great swinging DDT
and ties the match up. Hoorah!
Villano 3 goes nuts in the third and pulls off the coolest of old
bloke topes.....and Mascara 2000 follows suit! Lucha libre - where
old guys fly and Tarzan gets high. The concluding Niebla v Wagner
exchanges get me all excited like the idiot I am - fast bumpin'
and hard slappin'. Wagner takes it with a Michinoku Driver spike
type thing and poses like the son of bitch that he is.
Wagner: (into
phone) Hello Sarah? Could you ask Dr Cerebro to pop through? Thanks.
Loco Max: Can
I stop now?
Wagner: Er,
no - just keep that going.
(enter Dr Cerebro)
Dr Cerebro:
Oh no, not again.
Shocker/Vampiro/Atlantis
v Ultimo Guerrero/Tarzan Boy/Rey Buccanero
'I'm just Lee-Lo
from the block' - Me.
This match carried
on where the last one left off. I made these unhelpful notes:
- Shocker's
'Guapo U'
- THE MONKEY!
- Another double-sub for GDI's - DQ - (1st caida to techs.)
- Shocker pins UG (Win - 2nd)
- Title chall. to U.Guerrero
I couldn't be
arsed piecing that together into a coherant review, so I stole this
one by FurryTossers of hairsprayclash.com:
Shocker/Vampiro/Atlantis
v Tarzan Boy/Ultimo Guerrero/Rey Buccanero (Consejo Mundial de Lucha
Libre, 1/03) by FurryTossers.
I've
read some reviews of this on the internet but mine is easily the
best; although I have only written the first sentence so far. Wow,
what a great opening sentence! If you don't think that it was a
great sentence you must be an idiot and I'll have to making a condesending
comment about you on a message board sometime. Shocker is pretty
popular with the ladies of Arena Mexico but he is not as handsome
as me. I'm so good looking that I had sex with a girl once - a few
years ago. This is turning into a great review. I'm probably the
best reviewer on the net. No, that's ridiculous - I'm definitely
the best reviewer on the net.
Shocker starts the match with a nice flobbyringoringoramabanana,
although the execution lacked the finesse of say Minoru Tanaka's
flippyfloppynutsacko. The Guerreros Del Infierno make amends for
early mistakes with an impressive double-team bestialporno hold
for the what seemed to ostensibly be the first fall. They were however
disqualified for breaking the rules, which would never happen in
New Japan, and the decision was reversed. This is a motherfucking
fantastic piece of wrestling journalism - almost as good as Azumi
Hyuga's gogopompomshandylickarana.
The second fall was a curtailment of that wrestling stuff that some
people enjoy. Needless to say, I enjoy it on a higher plane than
them...but not everyone can be me, sadly. Shocker and Ultimo Guerrero
trade a series of boingytammysytchtitties for a couple of near falls.
It culminated in a catastrophic, cacophony of contagious contraception
when Shocker pinned his foe with the missyhyattssnatch.
This match was good but not as good as me. ***34/79
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