Real in Memphis - Issue#11

John Zandig is your new Pro Wrestling GOD, Classic Dub Yah Cee Dub Yah, The bizzare world of Osaka Pro, Whacked out Lucha Libre and Bogota Championship Wrestling??? It's RIM-time baby.

Combat Zone Wrestling 'Live Again' by Lee Flattery

Ah, CZW - not watched for a good while so I thought I'd check in to see how they were doing. Five minutes in and I've watched a music video with 7895 different indyspots on and wonder if this negates the point of continued viewing. Being too lazy too pick up the remote I chose to persevere. Some young girl comes out to sing 'Deutschland, Deutschland Uber Alles', I mean 'God Bless America'. A fat imbecile at the back of the crowd is standing there with his hand on his heart. The singing girl looks like Meadow from Sopranos and has that same nasal Eyetie-American drone to her voice. Zandig comes out and fake-Meadow gives him a special t-shirt that she made (a Mayfield fan perhaps?) because he is the bestestest owner in wrestling and stuff. I start a 'Suck Zandig's Dick!!!' chant from my sofa but nobody hears me. Zandig prattles on about his new bingo hall and the promotional wars that I neither know nor care about. 'I'm not going to go into a shoot here.' informs big John.......before going into a shoot on Justice Pain. Yuh. By this time I'm gagging for the backyarders to get out here.

Sonjay Dutt v Chris Ca$h
Hey! Sonjay Dutt actually exhibits some charisma before he gets into the ring. My ex-girlfriend made me go to watch this stupid movie last year called 'The Guru' - Dutt kinda reminded me of that guy but citofied. This match sucked by the way. Chris Ca$h throws the worst punches in wrestling and I hate him. Hate hate hate. And why does every indy wrestler have to wear shiny Tajiri pants? They should all be banned from wrestling rings until they have done at least three years training under someone who knows more than diddly-squat about professional wrestling - every single one of them! Blame ECW if you want. Mr Dutt does an elbow drop from the ceiling - he clings onto the overhead bleachers and plummets back down - to bring a piece of shit to a spectacular end. By this time I'm gagging for Zandig to come back out and cut an interview.

Greg Matthews/Z-Barr (no relation) v Rick Feinberg/Some skinny guy whose name I forget
I like squash matches - even CZW squash matches. Having a guy named similar to Feinstein do a Nuevo Adrian Street gimmick is pretty fitting. I assume it is intentional. By the way - ROH SUCKS BIG DONKEY COCK! Matthews has some good power moves and they squash the skinny guy and the gay guy in a very short time frame. Yeah, squashes man. Squashes..........

Adam Flash v 'Doubleshot' Ian Knoxx
Apparantly Knoxx and his partner (name I forget) constitute the Irish Drinking Team - which has to be at least a great name for a gimmick. [Wait! there's not enough moral outrage on this fuck of a website; I'd better drum up some ethnic tension.] Hey, as a second generation Irish person (check the family tree) I am outraged by this complete false portrayal of the Irish as alcohol obsessed maniacs. This stereotype is without any substance whatsoever - I mean let's look at some famous Irish people for example; George Best, Paul McGrath, Bob Geoldoff, Father Jack Hackett, that delightful TV leprechaun...........all fine, sober individuals unlike scummy English coke-addict, homosexual date rapists like Michael Barrymore or that Davina McCall who visits Thailand once every month to slaughter children for a laugh while Michael Kelly beats off in the corner. What is this world coming too? And don't get me started on the Scottish! You're only known on the world stage because of some fat fuck on some nerd's Sci-Fi programme - does that fill you with pride you haggis eating cunts? The Welsh? The Welsh? (yes I need to say it twice) The Welsh are just a bunch of sheep felching jizzmops that use too many incongruent syllables. I hate El Salvadorians too. Wrestling? No, I don't want to talk about this match..........I don't care. Go to hell all of you. Fugg.

Nick Berk v A bunch of scrubs
Nick Berk is the first guy on this show that actually looks and acts like some sort of pro-wrestler. You know - he actually wears wrestling attire and is fat in a rugged, manly sort of way.

(ARSION shower stall)

Mariko: I really dig that Nick Berk from Promociones John Zandig. His red over-the-shoulder wrasslin' ensemble really screams quality.

Jessie: Yes, it looks like you have competition in the wrestling tights department............not!

Mariko: Oh, you yanks fucking crack me up........what with your wise cracks and giant titties.

Rossy O: Or is that the other way around? Wise titties and giant cracks!

Jessie: Ogawa, I've told you before - I don't mind you hanging around the ladies showers as long as we stick to the arrangment about you NOT being naked. Now get outta here and put some underpants on before I eat you, maggot!

So, all these skinny little pukes from the 'CZW Wrestling Academy' (hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha) come down to the ring, blow a spot (mandatory) and get stretched silly by Mr Berk who I'm really starting to like here.

(note: the TV behind me is showing a feature on Femidoms - if the writing deteriorates even further from this point then it isn't my fault.)

Mariko: Yeah baby, Nick Berk's matwork kinda rules and makes me feel all wet and sticky in my feminine parts.

Jessie: Really?

Mariko: Sure. There's this one bit where he gets this really skinny fucker and stretches him like he was a............femidom.

Jessie: Sweet. Related topic, Mariko - have you ever worn a femidom?

Mariko: I tried it once but.............didn't float my boat. Kinda killed the sensation.

After Berk disposes of el jobrones he insults their fat, ugly trainer (played delightfully by John Dahmer) with the following utterance; 'Hey, Dahmer - train your kids better!'. This could almost be professional wrestling. Fat bloke runs down to the ring and all of sudden there is a submission match between he and Berk...........

Nick Berk v John Dahmer
Have you seen that match between Ian Rotten and Chris Hero from the IWA? This was a bit like that, only not as intense, good or anywhere near as long and a bunch of people ran in at the end and I can't remember why and I don't care why. Still match of the night so far.

Ric Blade v GQ
Johnny Kashmiere brings a southern moment to proceedings when he comes through the curtain and a bunch of butt ugly 'women' stuff currency into his trousers. Neither as good as the Fantastics or Magnum Tokyo but at least he's trying. Johnny K then worms his way out of facing 'Thick' Ric Blade in a baseball bat match. Something about 'official' ballbat regulations; quite heelish and good in all honesty. He therefore presents GQ, who seems to have a cocky swagger about him, as his replacement. Wow - Ric Blade is POSSIBLY the worst wrestler in America. Repeat: Worst wrestler in America. Think about how much ground that covers and you'll realise that that is no mean feat. He really hasn't got a fucking clue. Think Nova to the power of minus one hundred. His spots suck a dick and he gets repeatedly lost between them. Add to that the fact that there is no selling from him in any way, shape or form and you have one fucking crap wrestler on your hands. GQ actually does a fair job of covering for him but it's a dead cause. There was this one funny bit where Blade tries a megacrap springyboard moonsaulty thing to the floor, misses GQ by five feet and nearly cripples himself again. GQ thinks on his feet and points at his head in the classic 'I'm a stealthy heel, I meant to do that' pose. That was the only good thing about this match I'm afraid to report.

Trent Acid v Rukkus
East Coast indy in relatively well laid out match shocker!!!! Yeah they tried to do one of those Paul Heyman deals where a bunch of people run in at different times to hide the fact that the wrestling sucks. And does the wrestling ever suck?! Rukkus sucks so bad that he makes John Kronus look like the fucking Dynamite Kid. What is the fucking deal with that quadruple backflip into a handspring elbow? Even fucking Chyna did that better. I liked Rukkus better when he was on that stupid 'so bad- it's good' show on ITV 2 a year or two back..........International Wrestling Challenge or something it was called, I think..........anyway, Rukkus was on there and..........I don't recall how he wrestled that well, but I'm sure it was better than his CZW stuff. But hey, I took a dump yesterday and it looked better than Rukkus' CZW stuff. Actually, the only good thing about that series was that Ashley Hudson and Corey Williams were on there and Hudson was using the gimmick name of 'Ozzy Rules'. Man, the New South were my favourite team before they split up and poor old Ashley was humilated by that fucking idiot Vince Russo who made him do that 'Hey - you look like Devon Storm' buttfuck of a gimmick. Ashley Hudson is one of the best damn wrestlers out there and the second best Aussie wrestler ever behind Dundee and the world doesn't fucking care and it pisses me off and makes me write angry reviews of CZW shows like this where I make very little actual reference to the actual matches because they suck and I'd rather talk about real wrestlers like Ashley Motherfuckin' Hudson. And why did they have to kill off the great NWA-Nashville to make way for that stink, stink, stinky NWA-Tits n' Arse promotion? Trent Acid tries to make the fucker look presentable by strutting and acting a bit like Juventud 2K but it isn't enough. This sucks and wrestling is dead. Ashley Hudson!

The Messiah v Nick Gage
I've only seen him a few times but The Messiah gets a big thumbs-up from me. I'm sure that he will hitchhike his way to the top of the wrestling profession. In the murky depths of CZW his talent sticks out like a sore thumb. His no-nonsense brawling style certainly gives the likes of Ric Blade the chop. There is a distinct cutting edge to his matches. This here is a razor sharp brawl with a wrestler who seems to be one of the better workers on the roster in Nick Gage. I actually bought into the intensity of the match; it was nothing fancy or new, just a meaty ECW style brawl all over the place. I kinda get pissed off at the suplex-through-a-table-from-the-apron-to-the-floor bit they do because it just isn't necessary. Ah, who am I to judge......that's what the kids want nowadays, right? See-zee-dub, see-zee-dub............yawn. Good story based finish to this match - Gage's Van Horne without the promos manager, Dewey Somethingorother turns on him, Acid and Kashmiere run in, they cost Gage the match and they form a new heel faction with Messiah. I'd give this four out of five.............hohohohohahahahahahhehehehehe!

Nate Hatred v Zandig v Nick Mondo
I love Zandig because in his own mind he is Paul Heyman, Tommy Dreamer, Jesus, Onita and The Ultimate Warrior all in one. You have to respect that. This match is for the Big Japan Deathmatch Title (which may or may not be fictional) and the ring is full of hazzardous looking implements purportedly supplied by the fans in attendance. Now at this point I want to say something: All these fucking idiots on the internet piss me off with their whining, 'Well geez, the CZW deathmatches are awful - oh, Zandig is a horrible egomaniac. I only watch CZW for the cutting edge cruiserweight action.'. What a load of bollocks! The 'cruiserweight' stuff is just piss poor backyard horse manure that is about as interesting to watch as Tottenham Hotspur. The deathmatches - fat blokes and general maniacs slashing each other senseless - are the ONLY reason to watch CZW for anyone with a brain, AND ADDITIONALLY the fact that Zandig is a prick egomaniac is a GOOD thing. Right, got that out of the way. Nate Hatred's theme song is that cool Alice In Chains style sludger that OVW once used for a Leviathan video which is pretty cool. He also looks like one of those Norwegian black metal, church burning types...which again is on the chilly side of warm. I always thought that Nick Mondo was a bit of a worker on the quiet and he certainly wasn't afraid to go crazy here. My second favourite part of the match is where a bloodied up Sick Nick crawls around with about 300 drawing pins in his back and that motherfucker Zandig literally pours salt into his wounds. Gnarly and nasty stuff. My VERY FAVOURITE part of the match however is when Zandig does his 'Fear me for I am the Ultimate Warrior, bitch!' rolling clothesline on Nate Hatred with a mega oversold Kerry Von Erich build-up. Mondo gets powerbombed through a table covered in mouse traps, leaving Hatred to throw Zandig's roided slab of a body through a nail infested board to claim the sleazoid title. I had to crack a smile at Zandig's carny post-match rant; 'We don't have a lot of HONOUR, but what we do have is respect.'. Ha-ha - fuck Rob Feinstein and fuck ROH!

New Generation Wrestling 'Legend's Reunion' (Mid-South Collesium, Memphis T.N) 26/7/02 by Lee Flattery

Ricky Noble/Tommy Gunn v Alan Steel/Derrick King
The 'Sium is maybe a third full at most and we're watching this on one stationary camera. Rustic charm motherfuckers! If you're cool like me then you'll be familiar with some of the guys working for Lawler's now defunct Memphis promotion last year. If you're not familiar with them then you are probably a Man Utd fan or something equally deplorable. 'All That' Alan Steel was a half decent heel on those sleazed out casino shows and he wrestles a little bit like Rhino, which isn't a bad thing in itself. It's not quite as fun watching him without Nate The Rat defaming the memory of Tojo Yammamoto and Sam Bass while Corey Macklin acts incredulous on commentary, but what can you do? Derrick King, another guy who was working for Lawler, is still a bucketload of fun though. He's a born heel, what with the fast paced bumping, the caffeine fuelled selling and all. Such a good old fashioned punkass. The oppositon I'm not too familiar with; apparantly they wrestle 'in the Carolinas'. Gunn was a bit of a stiff to be honest but Noble came off as a sound, slightly FAT! southern power wrassler. I like the fact that even though Derrick and Steel lost the match, they still raised their arms in victory when the big scary babyfaces had left the ring. Heelage you fucks!!!!!!

Koko.B.Ware (with Sherri Martell!!!) v Tyler Gates
Ware is mega-FAT! nowadays and all grumpy with it. Sherri MILF shows up every two-cent stripper-cum-wrestling valet in America by coming down to ringside in the height of bonafide trailer trash fashion and by bringing the unmistakable Sherri belligerence. Not having a clue who was going to wrestle who on this card, I got all excited when mah boy Tyler appeared on the screen. 'Ware v Tyler Gates', I thought, 'this has to rock'. Koko hammers Tyler old school Memphis style right out of the blocks. Ware rolls him out of the ring and we get 45 seconds of extremely intense brawling and I get lost in the moment for a moment like I've travelled back in time to 1983. Then they get back into the ring and poor old Koko gets blown up because he's fat gawdblesshim. He still knocks out some good clubbering offence which Tyler sells in the Benoit fashion. Tyler gets a swank snap suplex in too before Sherri interferes. Koko gets the win with a cheapshot and it's all over way too soon. Dollarsigntewart Allen wrote that not everyone wants to see a promotion with Koko B Ware and Fidel Sierra in 2003, and that's the problem. There's no character left in fucking wrestling, no sense of fun, it's all way too serious. Like I care about two boring bastards doing 3 hours iron man matches in ROH. Koko and fat = good. Tyler = the future.

George South Sr/Don Bass v The Fabulous Rocker/Bittie Little
Bittie Little and Rocker are the two Spike Dudleys of El Nuevo Mempho and you just know that they are in for a good kicking from these two mean old, leather clad bastards. Funnily enough that's exactly what they get. It ain't pretty but that's what we like. Bass and South look both drunk and ancient which made this all the more fantastic.

Jack Miller v Kid Kash
'Wait a minute' I think as Jack Miller stands in the middle of the ring, 'this guy looks exactly like Dave Cash. I wonder who his opponent is?'. Then I hear that damn Kid Rock song and realise that his opponent is..........er, Dave Cash. This match is abysmal and it's abysmal for two main reasons; 1) they tried to do a post-ECW east coast spot fest in the Mid South Collesium and 2) Jack Miller's spot blowing made Rob Van Dam look like Harley Race. Seriously, the guy sucked so badly that it was ALMOST enough to make you consider AJ Styles a good worker in comparison. The fucker blew fucking everything. I mean, this would have sucked without the blown spots but with them.......yikes! Crash and burn. Worse still, instead of cutting their losses like men and getting the fuck out of there, this obscenity went on for close to twenty fuggin' minutes. That's twenty minutes I'll never get back as well. Worst Memphis match ever.

The Moondogs v Chuck King/Thunder
Bigger. Older. Smellier. Fatter. The Moondogs are back in town and looking to kick some can. King and Thunder come out on motorcycles as if they were the Road Warriors, but come off looking more like Techno Team 2000 compared to Spot and Kujo. Typical Moondogs sub-two minute squash brawl. The passage of has by no means made them any less violent and they really lay into the opposition with big wooden planks and chairshots. Best tag team ever!

20 Man Battle Royal
Huge clusterfuck of the fat and furious in a dirty wrasslin' ring. The luded out announcer doesn't seem to have a clue who 95% of the guys in there are so why should I? Brickhouse Brown was in there! Remember Brickhouse Brown? The whole thing was basically an excuse for Spellbinder to go out there and win a match, while hiding the fact that he can't wrestle for shit. Kayfabe!

Mariko: So, who do you prefer Scott Steiner or The Spellbinder?

Jessie: Tough one. Steiner has the suplexes, but Spellbinder seems more mentally stable. Yeah, I'll say Spellbinder because he's Memphis and everyone knows that Memphis rules.

Mariko: Interesting.

Jessie: Okay, here's one for you: Who would you rather do; Ron Jeremy or Cheech Marin?

Mariko: I have to choose?

Leilani Kai v Stephanie Winters

Get this; FORMER PLAYBOY MODEL Stephanie Winters versus the REDNECK WRASSLIN' queen Leilani Kai. Stephanie has very big boobies and Leilani Kai carries her through a good deal of funky matwork........wait - Big boobs? Matwork?.......

Mariko: This Winters broad is a real MILF. She's gotta be knocking forty but she's still a piece of ass.

Jessie: Mmmmmm, pizzas.

Mariko: No, PIECE OF ASS!

Jessie: Well, you made me hungary now. I'm off.

(exit Bionic J)

Mariko: Dammit who am I going to discuss the merits of Leilani Kai with now?

Rossy O: I'm back!

Mariko: Oh well. As long as you're wearing the underpants. Leilani is still a great worker, don't you think?

Rossy O: Yeah, she's like an older, fatter, not as attractive Ozaki.

Mariko: True. She has this innate ability to carry any jumped up tramp to a watchable match.

Rossy O: If there was any justice she'd have Fit Finlay's job.

Mariko: It's an unjust world though, Rossers. Remember Wrestlemania Ten?

Rossy O: How could I ever forget? Ah, Adam Bomb versus Earthquake........tra-la-la, la-di-dum,

Mariko: You're kinda creeping me out now. If you're not out of here in ten seconds I'm gonna Air Raid Crash you into next week.

Jimmy Valiant v Buddy Rose Jr
Jimmy looks scary. His hair is incandesant white and he's as thin as Jasmine Saint Claire's favourite g-string, yet he still does his loco babyface act. The people love him too - I mean I used to have childhood nightmares about guys that look like that...but the people love him. Buddy Rose Jr I think is actually related to the late, great Portland legend and he's a cheap heat machine. He does the carniest of promos before the match to get himself over as a heel - it's Memphis, it worked. This was one of those matches where they do very little that can be construed as wrestling. It's all carny-psychology as Jimmy does his cool feints and ball grabbing while Rose Jr sells like a man who's job description reads 'Comedy Heel'. Match isn't very long (since Valiant is about eighty years old) and I don't need to tell you who won. 'I'm not a cry-baby! I'm not' Buddy cries into the house mic. Surely enough he bounces his fat, bemulleted body against the mat in temper tantrum style as the Mempho's chant 'Crybaby'. Something was profoundly disturbing about this whole thing. Oh, professional wrestling............

The Rock 'N Roll Express v 'The Convict' Jamie Dundee and Buddy 'Budro' Landell
This was supposed to be El Padre Del Jamie and Budro against the RNR but the Superstar fucked up his knee and had to console himself with a managerial role. Jamie Dundee was in the middle of his hillarious con gimmick at this point (he'd just got out of chokey for evasion of child support payments) and was clad in cartoon black and white prison clobber. Responding to one heckler in the crowd Jamie yells 'Hey boy, I'm gonna make you mah bitch!'. Buddy 'I still think they have a spot for me in New York' Landell wears a skintight black t-shirt to (unsucessfully) mask his fatness. The Memph-throng mark out for Ricky and Robert. Obscenely short match consisting of Jamie Dundee getting into it with both RNR's with only the odd punch or two in the way of assistance from Landell. After about four minutes the RNR's get the 123 out of nowhere. Worth seeing for the sleaze aspect if not the match.

Jerry Lawler v Billy Joe Travis
This has to be Lawler's last stand at the Mid-South Collesium and what a last stand it is! Lawler was supposed to face Terry Funk in this match but Da Funka had pulled out at short notice. Enter the now late Billy Joe Travis, a lot fatter than you remember him, with his manager Derek Flair. Derek essentially is Ric Flair-Cito and claims to be the illegitimate son of the Nature Boy. He cuts a heel promo chastising Lawler. The King comes down the isle to 'Gimmee All Your Lovin' by ZZ Top and gets on the house microphone. Lawler asks Travis what his beef is with him. Travis then tells the story of how Lawler had him fired from Jarrett's USWA in 1992 but made himself sound bitter in the process. Thus they had brilliantly given the two an instant pretext for animosity and a heel/face dynamic. Deliberate feel-out brawling begins proceedings in the ring when the bell rings, Lawler getting slightly the upper hand in classic fashion, Travis selling like a southern pro. They brawl to the outside and up into the empty stands; they really beat the shit out of each other, double juice and Lawler even gets thrown down the steps. They fight back to the ring and Travis piledrives Lawler behind the referee's back. Yes, they kayfabed the piledriver rule! Travis only gets two. He he continually beats down Lawer who anarchronistically punches at the air in desperation. Finally, Lawler turns the tide with a lowblow. The famous strap comes down. The King hits Travis with a stunner. This leaves Billy Joe wriggling to the corner where a cheap shot will return the advantage to his favour. This is only a tempoarary gain however as Lawler is soon throwing mounted punches at his head in the corner. The slick n' sleazy Flair distracts the King with a wimpy Memphis managers guitar shot. Travis holds Lawler in position, Flair swings the guitar, Lawler moves and Travis takes the blow over his head. Lawler disposes of Derek Flair and pins Travis. At around twenty-five minutes, I consider this a heart and soul wrestling match. It was attritional, had a great story, was a little bit carny - if this had been the main event of Wrestlemania and not a match in front of two hundred hicks then it would have been critically heralded with every superlative under the sun. As it is though, only the likes of Fadda and myself will consider this a great match.

Billy Joe Travis - a real wrestler that died too soon.

1990 WCW Worldwide by Martin Wickham

God bless Sky Sports! Ever since legal odds and sods meant that showing WWF Classics was now illegal, due to the F and a bunch of sandal wearing nature lovers, Sky have had to fill Thursday evenings with wrestling that won’t land them in the shit. They could have repeated one of the recap shows; instead they have given us old episodes of NWA/WCW Worldwide. I guess I should be thanking the panda lovers, but that would go against every principle in my body. Tossers.

Anyway, it’s autumn of 1990, Sting is NWA Champ, Lex Luger is US Champ, and Dutch Mantell’s beard has grown to such a degree that nothing short of a Flymo will cut the damn thing. Time for some actual wrestling I think. Luger is after the Horsemen, that much was apparent after Luger crashed the opening segment, and told the Horsemen as such.

The Steiners vs Rick & Bill Ford
Do you reckon jobbers got paid more if the booking sheet meant they had to get beat up by Rick and Scott? This was back when Rick had conditioning, and Scott wasn’t gassed to the gills, so an ass-beating was always guaranteed. The Steiners are after the SST (hey, I could make a tape related joke here and now!), so says Rick anyway. One Ford gets blasted with that top-rope DDT that would get “Holy Shit” chants now, Rick then pins the other after a top-rope overhead suplex. I bet those jobbers weren’t brothers you know.

Sid Vicious vs John Douglas
Douglas is the jobber’s jobber. An amateur singlet scrounged on the cheap, a Pilsbury Dough Boy/Josh Barnett off the juice face, the credentials, in other words. Vicious won, by the way. Powerbomb and everything.

Theodore R. Long! The fucking man! He gets some promo time here, talking up the tag champs Doom (Simmons and Reed). Why was this man wasted as a ref? Teddy can now be seen on Heat managing Rodney Mack. He isn’t as good as he was here though.

Mean Mark vs Tim Parker
Months before becoming The Undertaker, Mark was managed by Paul E Dangerously, and was being pushed as a challenge to Lex Luger, despite Luger seemingly being at odds only with The Horsemen. Everyone wants a shot at Luger. Sting just happened to be world champ at the time. Gotta like Parker’s selling of the Heart Punch. Mark’s ropewalk elbow wasn’t too bad either.

A Paul E. Dangerously promo. An extended version of one that aired during the Mean Mark match. He’s gonna sue Luger if he don’t give Mark a shot see.

Lex Luger vs Bob Holly
Yes, that Bob Holly. Complete with a nasty mullet and Bret Hart outfit. Here he shows more talent getting squashed in two minutes than Luger did in most of his career. No wonder the dude is all bitter, and beating the snot out of kids on Tough Enough. Lexy is all pissed off, you can tell that when he isn’t yelping and shouting when on offence. Them damn Horsemen! And Mean Mark!

Lou Perez vs Mike Thor
Thor I know of through his jobbing exploits. Perez, not a clue. Dutch Mantell saved this one, when he started off about Perez looking like someone on America’s Most Wanted (and with the beard that hadn’t been shaved for a week, it wasn’t far off), and having the appearance of a psycho. This was all standard stuff, and then Perez broke out a German suplex, followed by a wrist clutch Northern Lights version. Now that was impressive, as was the big man Thor taking the bumps. Perez’s mid-match promo in the opposite window of the screen sucked though.

The Fantastics vs The State Patrol
Jobber tag teams! Buddy Lee Parker and James Earl Wright against Bobby and Jackie (when did Tommy Rogers disappear?). We also a get a Jim Cornette promo, with a tasteful reference to the return of the Fulton’s as like being told the chemotherapy didn’t work. Nice little match here. Bobby got cut off and beaten down by the Patrol, eventually got the tag after the babyface forward roll to the corner, the Jackie and Bobby cleaned house. Jackie won after a nifty double team move; Bobby did an Iconoclasm on Jackie, with one of the Patrol being used as a crash mat.

The Rock n Roll Express got interviewed, in direct response to the Long talking earlier. Ricky was all fired up, and was doing the “5-time” stuff whilst Booker T was probably still in the clink. Robert sounds like Boomhauer though (Am I the only one who watches King of the Hill?)

Flair & Arn vs Dave Diamond & Brad Batten
Batten is short, ugly, and has hair that is grey at the front and black at the back. Think of every Flair/Anderson squash since the days of WTBS, this was just as cool. And the best thing is, the two were able to retain control throughout the match, and still give the jobbers something, as Batten got a few roll-ups and such on Flair before Anderson came in and levelled Batten. Yes, I love the Anderson spinebuster. And back then the figure-four had credibility! Wow!

For some unknown reason, the Southern Boys closed the show in an interview. I much prefer Tracey Smothers telling 100 people in some backwater in Indiana to “shut the fuck up”. There was some mention of the Freebirds in there, that dispute over some ‘Southern Tag Trophy’ still raging. Apparently there is some ‘best of’ series going on over the title, which doesn’t exist.

Midnight Express vs Rock ‘n’ Roll Express
WOOHOO!!!!! I wasn’t expecting this to show up on the tape. After a bunch of squashes, we could see a match that would be competitive. The R’n’R were pushing for Doom’s world titles, the Midnights were US champs. All the good stuff you would expect from these two (four?), then a sunset flip gave the Rock ‘n’ Roll the win. At the time it must have been set up for a feud with Doom, but then Robert disappeared, and Ricky teamed with Tommy Rich (I won’t mention the York Foundation). Good match.

That’s enough of that for now. More Worldwide another time. I’m only saddened that I didn’t get the chance to play a favourite Worldwide game of mine, ‘What’s impairing Budro?’ Maybe next time

OSAKA PRO – OSAKA HURRICANE (Osaka Jo Hall, February 1, 2003) by Terje Rindal

Osaka Pro’s biggest show ever, which even Delfin later said carried a huge financial risk conserning the future of yours truly favourite promotion. Looking at the show clearly shows why; the production. The pyro, the lightning, the smoke, the camera angles, the girls, the special effects, the set; even Vince would be proud. In addition, I bet’cha Jushin Liger & TAKA Michinoku doesn’t work for free. The show drew 7,868, and was considered a huge success. Thankfully.

The tape starts off with the wrestlers being introduced, walking down the ramp. Ebessan even does the RVD thumb pointning thing. Not many people can look cool doing that.

1. Black Tigers vs Azteca.

As most will know, Tigers is Malenko-trainee Jeremy Lopez. Azteca is the kingpin of Pro Wrestling Kageki. Unfortunately, only 44 seconds aired, but the little we got to see looked good.

2. Kaijyu King Mandora & Policewo~men vs Tortuga & Night Master.

Again, heavily clipped. Only 2:31 of 11:05 was shown. Night Master is Osaka Pro semi-regular Azumi Hyuga,Not the greatest match in the world, but that ‘exposing female genetalia’ spot, and the subsequent turning on eachother made me chuckle. What the hell was that fur stuff on the kajiyu’s leg though ?! Looked like it was stolen from a gay parade or something.

3. Daioh QUALLT vs Kintaro Kanemura.

This was good stuff. About half of the 12 minute bout aired, including Kanemura’s entrance. Don’t know whether to turn my head in embarrasment, or dance along with him. QUALLT wore a new mask here, which looked dangerously cool. Is it me, or does Kanemura’s face greatly resemble Saika Takeuchi of GAEA Girls fame ? The match had some nice bumps, including several table spots. When it’s not overdone, it’s not a bad thing. It’s….a good thing! SMILE! OK, so DDP’s gimmick sucked. The wrong dude won, but you can’t have everything.

4. Billy Ken Kid, Miracle Man & Tigers Mask vs Super Demekin, Kengo Takai & Yutaka Fukuda.

This had great potential going in, and they didn’t dissapoint. The same thing can’t be said for Samurai TV, as they only aired 4:20 of this match. UGH. The stars of the match was definitely Miracle & Tigers, with Demekin being his usual great self too. The only thing we got off Billy Ken was the finish, as he hit the 450 splash on Fukuda. EDIT: Yomiuri TV also aired around 4:20 of this, but it had more of Billy Ken than Samurai had. He ruled as always.

Watching this match made me realise just how damn underrated Miracle Man is. In a fair world he should be a millionaire. Tigers Mask was really on form, and will be a huge star some day. Takai didn’t seem as over here as he usually does in Delfin Arena, as the huge crowd didn’t really get into his ZZZAAAAAA!!!!! gimmick. Only botched spot was Demekin falling backwards off the top as he was getting ready to splash Tigers. Kudos to the others for covering that well. After the bout, Demekin told us he would be leaving for Mexico shortly. The show is two months old, and we’re still waiting.….

5. Ebessan vs Kuishinbo Kamen.

This is a two out of three falls match where the loser lost his character. Ebessan comes out with a bunch of chicks, all carrying the traditional bamboo. Kuishinbo can’t be worse, and has a dancegroup with him. Man, I wish they had put a hidden camera in that women locker room. The match airs in it’s entirety, and it rules. Forget Flair-Steamboat; this is the greatest feud ever. Hilarious start as Kuishinbo wins the first fall in 4 seconds. Doesn’t take all that long until it’s 1-1 either. Mostly a comedy bout (well, duh!), but these guys can wrestle as well, and really shows it. Although we’ve seen them a million times against eachother, this is entertaining as fuck. We even get some new spots, both wrestling and comedy ones. Ebessan’s finishing twisting moonsault rocked. After the match, it’s announced that Kamen will return next week as ‘Super Robo K’. He seems to enjoy it. So does the crowd. Well, six weeks later Kuishinbo Kamen was back.…

6. Gamma vs TAKA Michinoku.

The match I was looking forward to the most, and turned out to be the biggest dissapointment. Nothing really ‘wrong’ with the match, it just didn’t click like it should have. TAKA-Billy Ken Kid from December was a much better match in my view. TAKA’s got great charisma though. Scary how different Japan & US are sometimes. His entrance music rocks too. FAKK YOU! Gamma comes out looking like.….well, something. Hope they got that costume thing cheap, cause it sucked. Anyway, some nice spots, including some stiff as hell blows from Gamma, but this could have been so much better. About half the 14 minute match aired.

7. Infinity vs Jushin Liger & Takehiro Murahama.

Buffalo: Who the FUCK are you coming in here acting like a bigshot ?!
Liger: I’M THUNDER FUCKING LIGER DAMNIT!!!!
Buffalo: Oh Yeah ? Well, I’m BLACK FUCKING BUFFALO MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!!!!
Liger: Well, show me what’cha got then!
Buffalo: No problem...….

DAMN THIS WAS GOOD! You knew it would be with these four involved, but HOLY FUCK!!!! Murahama is always being talked about as Osaka Pro’s best worker, but he was totally overshadowed by the three others here. The star of the match here is Black Buffalo, no doubt about it. Probably the best single performance from a wrestler I’ve seen in years. Tsubasa fills his role excelently too. The small high flyer who does EVERYTHING to keep his precious tag belts. AJPW storytelling at it’s best. I haven’t seen a better team than Infinity since the heyday of the Hollywood Blonds. I don’t mean to sound too enthusiastic, but this was probably the best match yet from Osaka Pro. As in the NJPW-NOAH feud, Liger shows so much character. The dedication this guy has for wrestling is simply incredible. The bout airs in it’s entirety, and is a good as anything I’ve seen since the turn of the century. If more people watched this promotion regularly, this would be MOTY.

8. Super Delfin vs Big Boss MA-G-MA.

The big one, for the OPW title. Obviously this couldn’t follow the tag, but it’s damn fine little bout none the less. MA-G-MA’s got a great presence to him. Kinda like a more agile Dick Togo. That’s one heel vs heel match I’d like to see BTW. The story here is that the ugly heel takes everything the beloved babyface can dish out, and just punish the hell out of him. Even attackig him as they get ready to pose for one of them traditional pre-match pictures. After several great near falls, Delfin takes it home with a roll-up/bridge combination after MA-G-MA crashed into QUALLT on the apron. Post-match sees Delfin vacate the belt, surrendering his top spot to Takehiro Murahama. A very good match to end a great show!

Steve Austin vs Ricky Steamboat (WCW Clash of the Champions 28 - August 28, 1994)

The Stunning One vs The Dragon. Two of North America’s finest going at it for a major title, at a time when that sort of thing still meant something. How could it not rule ? Steamboat comes out first to one of them WCW tunes that really rocked. It didn’t stay on my mind for too long though, as that old Hollywood Blonds theme just kicks so much ass. Damn, Austin was such a great heel. He even took you to school during his entrance. All while not really doing a hell of a lot. Except being the best natural heel in the business, this side of Love Machine.

These two had clashed on the previous WCW pay per view in a bout that, while stole that show, didn’t really come close to this one. After seeing Hogan brought into the ambulance, while a young(er) Bischoff rush after him (WTF?!), the two masters lock up. Now, why don’t the heels of today (falsly) complain about their oponents pulling their hair or holding their tights ? Oh yeah, cheating is cool these days. Never the less, in 1994, Austin got tremendous heat for it.

The story of the match is really basic; they know eachother well (as they should after meeting 237 times the last two years. Not that I’m complaining.), and basically counter everything there is to counter. It goes on like that for 16 minutes. Normally I wouldn’t like that, but in this match it was the perfect thing to do, and the story told was excellent. You see, there is more to psychology than kicking/selling a knee. And so 500 smarks sends me detailed e-mails on how I’m wrong.

Another notable highlight of this match is the way chops are being used throughout. Not the usual ‘I have nothing else to do, so I’ll chop the dude’ type of chops; these really added to the story. Excellent. As much hype as the Benoit-Angle series have gotten, I dare say this match is WAY better. The holds, counters and sequences used are on par with ANYTHING seen in the US the last 13 years. Yes, that includes the Guerrero-Malenko ECW classics. AND, even the 5 star Jerry Lynn-ARE VEE DEE matches. Did I mention the crowd in Cedar Rapids was going apeshit ?

On a less positive note, it should be mentioned that this was Steamboat’s last major match (if not his last match alltogether ? Faddaaaaaaa ?), as he suffered a back injury during the bout. With the way he was performing, he could have fooled me. Despite that though, for some reason this match appear to be forgotten by most people. Don’t really know why, maybe lot’s of people haven’t seen it ? It’s definitely in my top three WCW matches of the 90’s.

Anyway, it so damn great, and is a great reminder why I’m such a mark for wrestling. I even dare say it was Austin’s best ever performance. With his amazing heel tactics, great bumps, and excellent wrestling on top of that, he even managed to outshine the Great Dragon. Now how many can say they have done that ?

Monkey Magic Wakita vs Black Aidoman (Hamada’s UWF – March 2, 1990)

For those in the dark, Wakita is none other than current Osaka Pro kingpin, genius, and ruler of the world; Super Delfin. Here he is, just 17 days away from completing his first year in the business. I think Black Aidoman (What a name!!) later became known as Yoshihiro Takayama. That, or he never really made a name for himself. If you’re a betting man/woman (Yeah right, as if any chicks will ever read this), go for option two.

Now, Wakita opened doing a….erm, wait a minute here. HOW IN THE BLUE HELL CAN SOMEONE CALL THEMSELVES ‘MONKEY’, YET WRESTLE IN NORMAL TIGHTS WITHOUT A MASK ?! At least if he put on a gorilla costume it would make sense. Have to ask him next time I talk to him. Anyway, as I was saying, Wakita opened with some of the coolest, quickest armdrags & dropkicks known to man. Seriously. He even did a version of the Stone Cold Stunner at one point. SEEEEE…..I TOLD YOU DELFIN INVENTED WRESTLING! I said it all along! Smoke filled community halls my butt. And I’m gonna watch this match. Here today I watched this match. I said it all along.

Back to the match for a second here. After those quick opening moves by Mr Ape, he does this thing in the corner, looking exactly like TAKA Michinoku. Hmmm. That’s the beauty of handheld tapes I guess. Anybody can resemble anyone. I said it all along. Either that, or I’m going a bit nuts lately. Actually, having just paid a lot of cash for someone to make a 7 hour comp of Monkey Magic Wakita handhelds, I’d say that’s pretty much a given.

Anyway, the Monkey man wins the bout with.….a VICTORY ROLL!!!!! But it didn’t get blocked! I SAID IT ALL ALOOOONG!!!!!!! (If you don’t get that joke, go stick Wrestlemania 10 in your VCR. Owen, I miss ya.)

Bret Hart vs Terry Funk (Amarillo, Texas - September 11, 1997)

Pro: The VQ is excellent.
Con: What the hell is this music ?! Safe to say Delta is raping ECW with this shit. Good picture or not, the music was a very big part of what was the extreme revolution back in the mid-90’s. AVOID this crap.

Anywhooo, we have a match to write about…..

Before the match, there is this really great ceremony, with Paul Heyman, loads of ECW wrestlers, Bret Hart, Dory Funk Jr, Terry’s family, and of course Terry himself in the ring. Heyman cuts an emotional promo, thanking Terry for putting ECW on the map, declaring him ‘Lifetime Heavyweight Champion of the World’. Really emotional moment. The look on Funk’s face is great. Bret then cuts a promo, talking about going down to Amarillo as a kid, putting Terry over as the ‘greatest wrestler in the history of the game’. Before adding something to the effect of ‘I’m gonna give you a Canadian ass-whooping’ to ensure that the crowd wasn’t gonna cheer him. Like that would have been a problem anyway.

The match itself starts with some very good technical wrestling, proving that even the crazy Terry can do that as well. Don’t think too many people doubted that anyway, but there you go. They keep it clean for about four-and-a-half minutes before Bret starts to unload a flurry of punches to the head. In a display of ‘excellent strategy’ (Thanks Joey), he also starts kicking Funk’s knees. ‘Without legs, Funk can’t wrestle’. Great call Mr Styles. Uhm. The referee for the match is Dennis Stamp, who was actually Bret’s opponent in the Hitman’s first ever professional match, way back in 1974. Yes, and he was also that twat in Beyond The Mat.

As good as Funk really is here, I think Bret is better. Working an excellent 1970’s Dory Funk Jr type match, in that he cheats, but still comes off good enough to look credible as a World Champion WRESTLER. Still, take nothing away from Funk (and who’s ever done that anyway ?), as he more than participates to make this a classic encounter. Especially the look on his face after he realises he just cost himself the victory is awesome. Somehow I don’t think you can learn that in wrestling school. Dig out the tape just to see that.

The match could have been a bit better, but that’s hardly a criticism. This looks nothing like a 90’s match, with no hot moves at all, and thus won’t get over to everyone. I guess you either find it fantastic or boring. I know which category I would put it in. Real in Amarillo!

Owen Hart & Mark Rocco vs Keiichi Yamada & Nobuhiko Takada (NJPW, late 80’s)

Now this is an interesting line-up if there ever was one. You have Owen, just starting his career, Rocco, whose best days are behind him, Liger very early in his career, and Takada in a short stint in Shin Nihon between his worked shoot groups career. A great thing here is that all four of them are really ‘on’, and the match is given enough time. No Russo involvement in other words.

TA-KA-DA, TA-KA-DA, TA-KA-DA goes by the name ’Mr Over’ in this match, and plays the role of team kicker. Rocco, looking totally like an 80’s out-of-work pornstar, is the bouts ultimate heel, which is lost on the crowd as they cheer everything anyway. If this was a fair world, he should have been booed out of the building for wearing a lame outfit like that. Owen is just being this no-gimmick good athlete babyface, where as Yamada plays the role of a young bloke on the verge of superstardom. I guess he knew what he was doing, eh ?

Another good thing about the match is that all four of them works very different (well, Owen & Da Jush kinda have the same style), yet everyone clicks so well. Not really a legendary match in any way, but some damn fine wrestling all the same. Some cool spots include Owen’s pattented top-rope backflip out of a wristlock into a hiptoss, Takada with a fucking brutal dropkick to Owen’s jaw (OUCH!), some of that forgotten awesomeness that used to be British wrestling from Rollerball (what the hell is a ‘rollerball’ anyway ?), Owen’s top rope dropkick/nip-up thingy, Takada’s brutal kicks (even a great standing spinkick that actually was high enough to go over a standing Owen), and a really cool backdrop/spike pildriver double team move from the Can-U Express. If anyone knows the name of the finishing move, please let me know. Thumbs up!

X-Man, Mr Tempest and Arandu vs Los Pandilleros I and II and Genghis Khan (Tijuana 26/8/99)
by Stephen Keene (Overbooked)

I wasn’t holding a whole lot out for this match, considering it’s hidden away on the undercard and I really don’t think I’d heard of any of these guys, let alone seen them wrestle. But, as Lucha makes me go all warm and fuzzy inside I was more inclined to give the match a chance than I would be if it was some puro rookie match with guys in black trunks.

So, it’s all about sartorial elegance, then? Yes, it sure is. And how can you fail with these guys. Immediately I have a favourite rudo and a favourite technico. For the bad guys, it has to be the Fat Pandillero. He’s got the Bam Bam Bigelow chic and he’s a hefty guy in a Lucha ring, which is a good thing in the sense that it’s a bit of a novelty and he’s a fat man kicking the shit out of smaller guys. Which I like, and you should too. For the good guys, my new favourite technico is X-Man. Ah, the wonders of Lucha, where a scrawny guy can wear a bargain basement old-school Wolverine outfit, with mauve and purple trunks and get away with it. And just look...amazing. Maybe it’s the surroundings, I don’t know, but he looks mighty fine and I heart him straight away.

So, you want me to get to the wrestling? How the look is all part of the wrestling, don’t you know? Have you been skipping the Wrestling Ascetics class at RIM College again? Just be glad I’m not running down this season’s style for the other finely dressed gentlemen. Alright then, the match. Can’t I tell you about the awesome choice of music, first? The rudos have got Tears For Fears’ classic “Shout”, while the technicos have the timeless rabble-rouser “I Want It That Way” by the Backstreet Boys! Awesome, huh?

You want to hear about the actual match? Oh, all right then. It’s Lucha, so it’s automatically wonderful to begin with, what with the groovy double-teams, flying, mat-work, subtle comedy spots (none of this Clown shit or impersonating other wrestlers or reading books, just fun spots, rather than funny ha, ha, let’s all pat ourselves on the back because we get the joke, oh shit I forgot this was wrestling type comedy). Then, as the best Lucha matches do, all hell breaks loose. Which is almost as good as wrestling gets. There’s a fine line in Lucha, when the match is getting out of control to the point where you don’t know what’s going on. Sometimes, this is a bad thing, its just confusing, incomprehensible. Step over the line and its perfect; you have no idea what’s going to happen next, so become completely immersed, which is all you can ask for from a wrestling match, really. This match, for me, followed the latter pattern.

And then, and I’m not spot freak, but what the fug was that? My two favourite wrestlers, and yours now I hope, X-Man and Bam Bam Pandillero are going at it. Bam Bam goes to the outside, topé by X-Man…and…oh crikey, Bam Bam just stepped out the way. X-Man is dead on the floor. I believe one could put a fork in him as he’s done. The two referees argue over who has won, but they seem to be in agreement that the match has to end now, before someone kills themselves trying to top that, and, of course to allow X-Man to be scraped off the floor. So we get the action, the uncertainty, the drama, the clothes, the Lucha fuggin’ Libre! What else do you want out of a match? A woman standing in front of the handheld camera halfway through the match? Well, whaddya know, this match has that as well.

The Good, The Bad and The Evan Karagias:
WCW Worldwide on FIVE! plus Old School Texas? by Chris J

Yep, I figured that in all the RIM issues I have read, I’ve never seen any classic Dub-See-Dubya action, so...here it is. Don’t get me wrong - I’m possibly the biggest WCW mark alive, but the stuff in 2000-2001 pains me to watch this. Anyway, we start off Worldwide with the uber-cool bloke in front of the computer, before being welcomed by Scott ‘Monotone’ Hudson and Mike ‘I’m the best play-by-play guy in WCW but because this is an English show I’m doing a heel sucking up gimmick’ Tenay. Immediately, we head down to the ring in time for the entrance of Shane Helms, who presumably is getting a decent reaction. We at home can’t hear it however, because of the awful studio announcing. Jamie Knoble is next, and this already looks as if it could be a decent match.

Shane Helms vs Jamie Knoble

Both Helms and Knoble try to get the cheers from the fans, but they don’t, either because a) there are no fans there, b) they don’t care or c) the audio is so bad we can’t hear it again. Anyway, Helms decides that it’s getting boring, and powerbombs Knoble to start the match off. Billy Silverman, the only man who would stand up to the McMahons, is our referee. After a bit of slow action, both men go outside the ring, and there’s a weird headscissors into the guard rail which should look good, but doesn’t. They mess about a bit more, then head back to the ring. It’s not long before they go back out again, when Knoble slows down to a trot so that Helms can grab him by the head and throw him out of the ring. Helms flies over the top rope with a somersault plancha, and that is probably the only highspot in the match over and done with. Again, they get back into the ring, and Sugar Shane turns into X-Pac for a second, hitting the ‘Pac’s characteristic legdrops. He does his dodgy monkey-arms taunt, then locks in a variant on that old move, the abdominal stretch. They actually do something that a fan is likely to remember after the commercial break, when a smooth exchange leads to a nice Northern Lights Suplex for a two count. After that though, it’s all Helms as they go into the finish, with Helms reversing another Northern Lights, hitting the Vertebreaker, and then in a really lame move, picking him back up again. Why? To hit the really unimpressive Nightmare on Helms Street for the victory. Why anyone would pick someone up after dropping him on his head, to just do a reverse DDT is beyond me. It was an alright match, but not the usual cruiserweight fare.

When we have a Five commercial break with sweet, sweet adverts for The Mole (am I the only person who watched that?) we are able to take a break, but when we come back and get that familiar mugshot of Sid off our screen, we have WCW, Thriller Style! Yep, the Power Plant graduates and Shawn ‘lame’ Stasiak waddle down to the ring menacingly, meeting the MIA (sans Chavo Guerrero Jr, who had left by now) and laughing at them. Anyway, Sanders takes the microphone, and becomes Dusty Rhodes for a few seconds, before mentioning something about managerial cards for “General Reaction”. Bill DeMott should have realised how bad his gimmick was when an attempt at taking the piss out of his gimmick sounded better than the actual one itself. Mind you, the Rection/Storm series that was also going on at this time was a DAMN good feud, and I enjoyed that. Back to the show - Mike Tenay is creaming his pants in his not-so-devastating-heel way, talking about how he did Sanders up the arse before they went on air. Inbetween all this, O’Haire and Palumbo slide into the ring and we have a match.

Sean O’Haire and Chuck Palumbo vs Sgt. A-Wall and Cpl. Cajun

I can’t decide which Palumbo was more frightening - crimped hair-Thriller Palumbo or short dyed homo Palumbo. Anyway, the MIA take big bumps on some weak punches, while General Rection stays at ringside, making that tirade by Sanders seem worthless. Oh well. Tenay, obviously uncomfortable with his heel role at the announcers position, starts ranting on about how good the NBT’s are. Scott Hudson starts to disagree, but stops and screams “YEOW!” when someone hits a suplex. This really annoys me. Scott Hudson has the most annoying, grating voice in wrestling, and is worse than Mark Madden at calling moves. Since when has a belly-to-belly been called a side salto? Also, his stupid reactions when someone gets low blowed or makes a double-entendre is so crap. “Goodnight nurse!” has been a frequent subject of nightmares of mine for a while now, and I owe it to Hudson. He sounds like an American Football commentator, and I wish that his Georgia-law court employers never gave him those days off. I’m done ranting now, and Cajun is covering Palumbo. Charles Robinson tries to get down for the pin, but because the NBT are so green, O’Haire comes in and stomps on Cajun right away. This leads to a really awkward few seconds when Charles Robinson stops, Cajun wonders what the hell is happening and O’Haire thinks of what ‘the Sarge’ told him to do in these situations. Just for the record, since watching Louis Theroux’s Weird Weekend on wrestling, I have a hatred of Parker which is only match by that of HHH. At the end, there’s a massive clusterfuck, which the camera misses, and it mercifully ends with a Seanton Bomb on Cajun. Good god, I wish that they kept Lash LeRoux as that New Orleans jobber who would twiddle with his sideburns all day. It’s more exciting than Corporal Cajun. Post-match, we have Chavo Guerrero come down to ringside to join in the fight that’s broken, swiftly followed by Shane Douglas. No, I don’t have a clue why they’re their either.

I’m starting to contemplate suicide so I guess we’d better move on. Now onto the second tape I got out of my cupboard, which I have a fond memory of. It’s called Wrestling’s Classic Matches Volume 1, which it really isn’t. What it IS, however, is a tape of Jake Roberts in WCCW - yep, you heard me right; VON ERICH MANIA~! Let me give you some background to how I got this tape, because it’s damn romantic. Alright, perhaps not, but it’s cool. One day, when I’m about 9, I’m in Wilkinsons and I come across this tape. Right, I’ll get it. So for £1.99, I got numerous Sportatorium matches and a great main event from one of the Star Wars events. The match which I’m going to pick will be the first long-ish match, simply because I can’t be bothered to fast forward to any particular match.

Jake Roberts vs Chief Jules Strongbow

Jake looks really young and drug/drink free here, which is incredible. Rick Hazzard, the referee with the worst perm in the world is our referee, while Bill Mercer calls the action. He explains about Jake’s movements, while the two lock up. Strongbow hits a chop, and they lock up again. Jake has an armringer in, before he gets chopped off it, and Jake backs out the ring. For some reason, Mercer goes into a day-dream and starts talking about Boston, while Strongbow twists the arm of the young Snake. Some really slow, 80’s style armdrags do nothing, because Strongbow still has the arm. Both men keep going for the arm while young Southern hicks try to holler like an Indian. Mercer makes us question his sexuality with lines such as “he’s tall, lean and supple”, while the two do some boring stuff on the mat. Jake at this time, hasn’t really developed his ring awareness that would become the staple of his career later on, which means that a surfboard is too near the ropes. Anyway, it’s dull, boring stuff, and I don’t mean in the good, mat-wrestling classic way. Anyway, after some more forgettable action, Jake wins with his DDT, which Mercer seems obsessed on calling a suplex.

Anyway, if this makes it to Issue #11, and I’m allowed to write for #12, then I might try convincing you that WCW is not all bad, with a stunning tag team match from Monday Nitro a few years back, then throw it away again with an Evan Karagias match where he blows everything, and possibly throw in a bit of puro or even ROH, which all you Joshi lovers seem to hate. Thanks for reading, and don’t buy any Worldwide on Five tapes.