Note: There were other matches on these shows than those below. I have only reviewed the ones that I could be arsed watching. If YOU want to watch Lady Pentagon v Ai Fujita then knock yourself out.

Bionic J v Mariko Yoshida

(Post match. ARSION locker room. Showers.)

Mariko: Well, that could have been worse.

Jessie: Er, thanks.

Mariko: You know, don't take this the wrong way Jess, but....

Jessie: But what?

Mariko: Well, it's your boobs.

Jessie: What about my boobs?

Mariko: They're gigantic.

Jessie: For sure. I've got a pair of regular bra-bursters.

Mariko: Yes, very impressive. I was just wondering though; Have you ever thought about getting a breast reduction?

Jessie: Pardon?

Mariko: Like I say, don't take this the wrong way but they kind of get in the way of the matwork and such. Hey, it's no odds to me - I'm (points at shoulders) Mariko FN' Yoshida, I could carry a broomstick or Michiko Ohmukai to a good match. I just think that smaller boobs would make you a better worker.

Jessie: But Mariko, I'm supposed to be a monster heel - or the half-assed ARSION equivalent at least - my boobs are my identity.

Mariko: Aja Kong is a monster heel and she has small titties.

Jessie: Aja Kong also has talent.

Mariko: Oh, don't be too harsh on yourself, Jess. That fatass legdrop thing you do is pretty cool.

Jessie: Look, I appreciate your concern, but I'm not going to get a breast reduction. End of story.

Mariko: Have you ever heard of 'Score' magazine?

Jessie: Pass the soap, honey.

Las Hijas Del Apache v Cyberexics

Ladies and gentlemen - I present to you the best tag team in the world - THE APACHES!!!! (Audience applaud wildly). These two girls are like Arn Anderson and Tully Blanchard with boobs. Speaking of which, Faby is rather high up on my list of joshi groin troublers - the sightless eyes telling me no lies, knocking me out with those Mexican thighs (I won't do the next line). Yeah, so Michiko Ohmukai really sucks - but you knew that. Ai Fujita is a little better - that is she can do a few Yoshida-ish moves and has flashes of not sucking here and there. Given the lack of aptitude present in the oppositon, the quality of this match exposes the sheer class of Fabi and Mari Apache as a duo. True to Horseman (or Brainbusters if you prefer your WWF over your NWA) style, the senoras from south of the border cut the ring in half superbly and masterfully. Nothing flashy, just old-school heel methodology. The unfortunate thing about ARSION is that the crowds are always so fucking LAME. The cool kids go to GAEA shows, obsessives go to Zenjo shows, and shoe gazers go to ARSION shows. I'm telling you - if this match had taken place in somewhere in Alabhama it would have been a legit contender for match of the year. Such was the quality of the Apaches performance. They crafted everything perfectly; the isolation of the babyfaces, the build towards the finish, the way they put the Cyberskanks over. Ruined, all ruined by an ungrateful bunch of apathetic geeks. I am, as of now, starting an RIM petition for Rossy Ogawa (the coolest man in wrestling - copyright Lee Flattery 2003.) to move the entire ARSION operation to somewhere in the Mid-South area. That way matches like this will get their full due.

Lioness Asuka v Rie Tamada (Queen of ARSION title match - FELLAS!)

I still rate these two as very good workers, Lioness as a sort of joshi Kawada type and Tamada as a sleazy ass-stomper, but this match just wasn't happening. The first half of the match was mat based and went nowhere. You know that stalling sort of matwork Keiji Mutoh does to hide the lack of content? That is how I would describe the first ten minutes of this match. In a word - BORING! Lioness then spends three minutes lying on the floor selling a neck injury......which is then completely disregarded from the moment she steps back into the ring and for the duration. The point of which escapes me - it's as if I'm watching one of those ghastly Momoe-Maekawa matches all over again. To be fair, the final few minutes of the match salvage it from the recesses of Zenjo nonsense. In fact, the actual near falls they produce elicit a trace of enthusiasm from the moribund audience. There were some cool spots too, such as Asuka's Ito-style table-fied double foot stomp to the outside. Those positives aside, it should be noted that Lioness no-sold a lot of stuff, making it at no point seem as though Tamada (the freaking incumbent!) was going to win the match. A very half-arsed effort if truth be told.

Mima Shimoda v Yu Yamagata

Squash match. I like squash matches. Especially when they involve Shimoda repeatedly putting her boot in young Yu's head before ending the agony. Real in ARSION!

OH MY GOD! THIS ANGLE ROCKS!

The cameras in the back capture Yumiko Hotta (head Zenjoshian) beating the snot out of poor Yamagata. Hotta drags her out the ring by the chain that she has wrapped around the kid's neck. 'Now c'mon, Yumiko! She's just a kid.' says the voice of Lance Russell in my head. She pontificate about the ring, occasional yanking at the chain around Yamagata's neck. ARSION Jimmy Hart Guy Rossy Ogawa (since AJW are heels in ARSION and vice versa) boldly jumps into the ring to attempt the save. Sadly, he only ends up getting smacked around by Hotta. That is until Mariko Motherfucking Yoshida jumps up and says 'Oi, Hotta - stop bullying poor Mr Ogawa and come get some of this you big fat Kojima-haired dyke!'. The despicable Zenjo scum Hotta backs off. The tension - can you feel the tension?

PIKO/GAMI/Bionic J v Azumi Hyuga/Ran Yu Yu/Tsubasa Kuragaki

It's ARSION v JWP and.........it's a waste. You've got two of the best wrestlers anywhere in the world, one very good wrestler and three carryable wrestlers in there together. All of which should make for something a little more enthralling than a quasi-comedic six-woman tag. I think Ran Yu Yu is the absolute business and is going to be a big star now that she's in GAEA, but she got to do very little of note here, Hyuga entered her usual supercompetent performance, but even her hard work was subjugated to GAMI and PIKO's pissing about. GAMI is the most frustrating wrestler in the world because when she wants to she can really fucking go. More is the pity that most of matches consist of a bunch of lazy, sub-humourous mediocrity. Twenty minutes is way too long for such a throwaway match like this - and I should know better than to sit through it. Even the finish - PIKO making Kuragaki tap - was the most predictable and boring outcome. Aside from some nice moments from Hyuga and Ran Yu Yu, this was more half-hearted ARSION fare.

Las Hijas Del Apache/noki-A/Lioness Asuka v Michiko Ohmukai/Baby-A/Mariko Yoshida/Rie Tamada

Wait a minute...Aja v Kansai? Lioness v Chigusa? Toyota v Yamada? Where have I seen those pairings before? Hmm? But yeah - this is like Savage v Flair from WCW.....actually, it isn't anywhere near as good as Angelo Poffo on crutches, but you get the idea. Aja and Dyno give each other a brief beating but it's all by the by really. Chigusa's mullet has reached supergumbic proportions by this point. After a few exemplorary matches Toyota is starting to fall back into her indifferent slump. She and Yamada do all those '92 exchanges but at a third of the speed. Oh dear. This wasn't bad or anything, it's just sad to see age getting the better of this lot. To put it another way - the balance of young and old is VERY important in GAEA.....

Meiko Satomura/Sugar Sato/Toshiyo Yamada v Aja Kong/Manami Toyota/Devil Masami

.....That said, Aja Kong seems to have picked it back up a step towards the end of 2002. Her performance in the Meiko/Ayako v Kong/Toyota match on #68 was a very good one. Aja keeps up the good form in this match - and while she'll never be as physically able as she was in her prime, she remains a very succinct, intelligent wrestler. The juiciness of Aja v Sugar rears its rambuncious head once again here, although the real meat comes from Sugar's exchanges with Devil Masami. Sugar takes it upon herself to Kawada Devil in the mush with her boot, Devil responds with hard clotheslines and the two have a whacked out All Japan under/over selling contest. Satomura brings the usual fire and fury, along with an absolutely unforgivable handspring somersault into a blown back flip knee-drop. RVMei needs an RVslap if you RVask me. Finish is strong; Aja hits probably the best worked Shining Wizard ever on Meiko, Meiko kicks out, in comes the clusterfuck, Aja urakens Meiko in the jaw and gets the three. Both violent and fun.

Chikayo Nagashima/Toshie Uematsu v Ran Yu Yu/Carlos Amano

Alright! Uematsu in a decently booked match for once!!! It seems insane that after a fucking GREAT year in 2001, Toshie got lumbered with this weird nonsensical gimmick and subsequently buried deeper than the earth's core. The fridge seems to have increasingly become her friend during this time too - the Kyoko 2000 diet claims another victim. Fortunately Uematsu didn't forget how to wrassle, thus she doesn't wholly get smoked by the three extremely talented ladies she is in the ring with. She doesn't over impress, but it was certainly a sign that she still has it. Ran Yu Yu is going to be a big, big star. She isn't overly flashy but can keep pace with anyone, has a Dibiase-esque timing on her moves and sells like a motherfucker. Yu's rolling spear thing is the coolest of spots as well. They seem keen to push Amano at long last, she and Chikayo - who was quality again here - engage in the most tricked out of exchanges at a lightining pace. Nagashima's Fisherman's Buster never looked better than it did in getting a dramatic two-count in this bout. Finish comes as the seemingly in control Nagashima gets hooked into Amano's badass instant tap-out armbar. I sense some REALLY great upcoming GAEA matches with this lot involved. Watch this space.

KAORU v Sakura Hirota

It's easy to knock what Hirota does. Indeed, you could be awfully rude and expand on this by saying that she only gets away with it because she gives Chigusa head on a daily basis. There is however a certain degree of artistry to Hirota's comedy matches. If you watch closely you can see the attention to detail she puts into making spots look deliberately bad, much like Les Dawson used to purposefully fuck-up his piano playing for laughs. For this at least we must commend Sakura Hirota - even if we would rather watch her in one of those zany Ricky Morton tag team things she sometimes participates in. Still, Hirota's parody of Meiko Satomura's lame RVD flip-flops is right on the money and had me raising more than a wee smile. FAT? Oh yeah, and KAORU was wearing the smallest pants ever....

Mayumi Ozaki v Chigusa Nagayo

These two women have had some classics facing each other.........this wasn't one of them. Neither though was it supposed to be. This is straight up Saturday morning Memphis stuff. Clad in her glans giddying (worst alliteration ever!) Wilma Flintstone noir ensemble, Oz goes about the task of heeling it up big time. An early double team spot with Police goes tits-up, causing Oz to slap him/her in the face. Do I sense a possible Police babyface turn? After a spot of brawling, KAORU and Oz double team Chigusa and disable her between the ropes. Oz then pulls out a pair of scissors and CUTS OFF CHIGUSA'S MOTHERFUCKING MULLET OF DOOM!!! Chigusa snaps and starts firing a barrage of very real looking punches at Ozaki's head. KAORU and Police interfere some more, leading to Chikayo Nagashima running in to even the odds. Amongst the clusterfuck Chigusa pins Oz. Post match Oz and KAORU feed a writhing Police to a raging, scissor weilding Chigusa in order to save their own L'orealed locks. Smell that face turn! Police gets a partial haircut before escaping, as Chigusa and Chikayo soak in the adoration of the crowd. Love it!

Mayumi Ozaki/KAORU v Chigusa Nagayo/Toshie Uematsu

Again, not much in the way of actual wrestling just a lot of brawling. Chigusa now has an Ian Rotten haircut, which is fitting as this match could easily have happened on an IWA-Mid South show. With Oz and Chigusa busy stomping each others ass in the stands, KAORU and Police take the choppers to one of Uematsu's spikes. Chigusa makes it back to the ring, Police gets another ass-whoopin' and Oz and KAORU escape once more. Show ends with Oz and Police cutting a promo in the back. Oz is oozing sleazy arrogance, sneering at the interviewer with a cigarette in her mouth. I'm thinking of Tommy Rich for some reason..........

WCW Saturday Night/Pro April 1996 by Lee Flattery